The difference between knowing the path and walking the path

I live with a sense of purpose and value

I believe that life has purpose.  As I have been pondering this idea I was reminded of a scene from a movie I recently watched.  It is from the second movie in the Matrix trilogy and the scene begins with Neo meeting with the Oracle.  He has reached a critical point in his journey and he is uncertain which direction to go.  At one point in the conversation the Oracle says to Neo, "we are all here to do, what we are all here to do."  Not long afterwards Neo encounters his nemesis Mr. Smith who tells Neo, "for as we both know, without purpose we would not exist. It is purpose that created us, purpose that connects us, purpose that pulls us, that guides us, that drives us, that binds us, it is purpose that defines us."

If life does indeed have purpose then I begin to understand that I have a crucial part in the story.  Who else can do what I am here to do?  Recognizing I have a part and purpose helps me see myself and life the way I need to.

When I see and feel a fullness of purpose it gives me the willingness to dare to reach my potential and walk my path of personal truth.  In the moments where I am doing the thing I was meant to do, for the right reasons, and to my utmost capabilities I see my purpose realized.  In those moments I have felt the connection, in the zone, flow, enlightenment, tao, or however you would describe an experience that is impossible to define but is undoubtedly known.  Walking my path of personal truth with authenticity and a sense of purpose allows me to experience those moments, and confirms my incalculable worth and irreplaceable role in a story that is about all of us.

What can I do today to recognize my worth and purpose?  

Sticks and stones....

I fill up from the inside

In addition to being an amateur blogger I work as an instructor.  I have spent 12 years teaching in various capacities and I am deeply passionate about what I do.  Although it may be unreasonable to think it is possible, I do what I can to make every classroom a safe space that allows for positive learning experiences for every student.  

I appreciate all the feedback that I have received from my students over the years and it has helped me become a better teacher.  I make course evaluations available for potential students looking to take one of my classes but recently I have heard students referring to an online rating site for professors as a way to decide what instructor to take.

Unfortunately the site that students use for these reviews is not particularly reliable.  The sample size of responses as compared to the number of students who actually have experience with the instructor is very low. It also has no way to determine if a review is even written by a student that has taken the class. Unlike end of semester reviews that students fill out to evaluate a class this online site is geared towards students.  Even though I know these things I couldn't help but search my name to see what students had to say.  I wasn't doing it to improve my teaching, I just wanted to hear that I was liked. 

The most recent review was less than glowing.  It hurt.

Seeking constant validation or relying solely on others for acknowledgement is like trying to fill a leaky bucket with water.  I will look inward and recognize my worth. If I find holes or worn places I will work to patch them rather than seeking for others to fill me up and convince me of my value. I am worthy of others love, most of all I am worth loving myself just as I am. 

For the silent and tone-deaf

I have a voice and I am sharing it

What makes a chorus so powerful and moving is the way each voice and sound blends together.  No one part is favored but it is a flow of voices moving together in an intricate dance that creates a whole far greater than any of its' parts. If a voice is silenced, sings too loudly, or tries to sing a part other than it's own it creates a cacophony of noise instead of music. 

I have an important role and my voice is irreplaceable.  I have unique abilities and talents that make me a crucial part of my relationships, workplace, community, family, church, and everywhere that I am interconnected with others.  I am not meant to mimic someone else, be silenced, or to scream out just to be noticed.  I will recognize the importance of my voice, find my part, and share it harmoniously.

 Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.  ~Victor Hugo

IntoMEsee

I see myself fully, and love myself completely

I long for connection with others.  When I feel alone or isolated I am capable of being profoundly sad.  Not a case of the Monday's, moody, woke up on the wrong side of the bed, a little bit gloomy sad. I'm talking about the I can't breath, trapped in a well, can't get out of bed, physically hurts sad.  Unfortunately even when I'm around others who care for me I am still capable of feeling alone in the crowd.

No amount of compliments or expressions of heartfelt affection are capable of penetrating to me in those moments.  I don't have anywhere for them to land because I don't feel lovable.  My greatest barrier to connection is a false belief that I'm not worth loving.  If I want intimacy I need to into-me-see and find the place for love to land.  A place where I recognize my worth and value as inherent and unchangeable.  It is not hard for me to love others, but for that love and connection to be all it is capable of requires that I love myself first.

I know many of the barriers and walls that I build around that place and I will find the affirmations to chip away at them in time.  For today what I need most is to begin seeing in myself something to love.  Not a conditional love requiring me to do something, or be something I'm not, but a love that accepts all of me and sees a timeless worth that is, always has, and always will be there. 

Bulletproof

   

I am unshakably me

 Living an authentic life where I attempt to be transparent takes a daily commitment.  It also comes with certain risks. Taking off the mask and being true to who I am can feel scary and vulnerable. When I make that choice it leaves me open to the judgment and criticism of others. Even though I know I can only truly connect by being vulnerable it takes courage to do it.

It is easy for some people to hide behind walls of feigned acceptability, correctness, and self importance while they lob grenades of shame and fire off bullets of judgment at others. I may fear those attacks and want to retreat back behind the old walls of self-protection. I may even want to hide there and return the volley. But that would only  serve to trap me and keep me stuck in a battle where there can be no winner. As I walk boldly into that raging battle of words I realize that I am bulletproof. As I confidently and fearlessly continue walking my path of personal truth I echo the words of Eleanor Roosevelt, "no one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

Enough?

I am enough, just as I am

I have an unhealthy tendency to constantly compare myself to others.  Whenever I do it is easy to find plenty of ways that I don't measure up.  I begin to feel deficient, that I am not enough.  I don't need to be perfect.  Reaching my potential begins with realizing that I am acceptable just as I am.

I am enough. 

Even when I feel off, I am enough. 

Despite not always being at my best, I am enough. 

In places of grief and darkness, lamenting a loss, I am enough. 

When things didn't go as planned and I am filled with disappointment, I am enough. 

When my weaknesses are in the spotlight for me and all the world to see, I am enough. 

When loneliness closes around me like a cage, I am enough. 

In my brokenness and imperfection, I am still enough. 

And when I accept that I am indeed enough I open myself to the light and love that chases darkness away, that sparks hope and connects me to the human experience of us all. 

Striving, battling, falling, hurting, crying, trying, trudging the long and difficult path of life,

 through it all I am enough.