Desirae Blue

I can act as a witness and support for others in their time of need

Last night I said goodbye to "Dessi B."

Cracked frame

Candycane clutch lever!

RIP

After the accident my motorcycle was declared a total loss and non reparable. I went to the tow yard to turn over the key and retrieve a few pieces of personal property I still had on the bike before it goes to salvage. I had my 3 girls with me and as I walked away my 2nd daughter started to cry.

When I had first told her about the accident she wept uncontrollably for an hour. She said she did not want the bike to go to the trash yard and that she never got to say goodbye. She pleaded, "can't you just keep it here at the house and use it for other stuff so I can still see it." In the past she had occasionally referred to it as her bike, and several times we spent time together cleaning it.

Last night when she began crying again my first reaction was to console her and tell her it was okay, that I would have another bike, or that she should not be sad because the important thing was that I was not hurt in the accident. 

I am glad that I did not. 

In the few weeks since I first wrote about grief I have been fortunate to learn a few things. Everyone grieves differently, rushing through the stages of grief does not work, and grieving is an important process to experience. Instead of telling her everything was okay I told her it was okay to feel sad. I asked her about the sadness and we decided to all go out to eat as a memorial. We drew pictures of the bike with crayons and talked about our favorite memories. I gave her the blue reflector license plate bolt as a memento and we all helped pick a spot on the Christmas tree to hang the guardian bell I had been given that had been on the bike. 

It was hard for me to see her sadness but I am privileged that she shared it with me. I was grateful to have an opportunity to witness and support her grieving process and to sit with her in the pain she was feeling. I know the burden is lighter for me when supported by the hands of others and it is a gift when I have the opportunity to do the same for others. It is so much nicer walking this path together!

Keep showing up

I am enough when I show up for others and authentically connect however I can

My eldest daughter and I have a lot of similarities emotionally.  We both have feelings that run strong, deep, and often under the surface.  I think that is sometimes why we run into difficulties.

Tonight I had some things I wanted to get done and I had asked her and her sisters for some help with cleaning up their toys and getting ready for bed.  After the 4th or 5th reminder my patience had run dry and I decided that everyone was going to bed.  From that point I started to get increasingly frustrated as they dragged their feet and began to growl and grumble.  I raised my voice and I hate doing that.  It didn't help the situation and I decided I needed a time-out before things got worse.

I shut myself in my bedroom and laid down.  I could feel the swirl of emotions right in the center of my chest.  It feels hot and my chest tightens and makes it hard for me to breathe evenly.  It was the shame of feeling like I am a failure as a parent.  The irrational self-talk started and I thought how awful it was that I lost my patience and yelled at them.  In the background of that talk was the thought that I don't have what it takes and nobody else struggles like this.  I was overwhelmed with the feeling that I have no control.  That lack of control terrifies me at times.  I love my girls and hate 
the thought of feeling like I can't protect them or keep them from feeling pain.  As much as I recognize the need to make mistakes, learn from pain, and make choices that give me experience I want to shelter them from it.

I appealed to my Higher Power for some strength and to know how to approach my daughter.  I surrendered some of my need to control her and asked to understand how I could connect.  I felt gratitude as the feelings of shame lessened and after a few moments of collecting myself I went back and tried again.  I was not sure exactly what to say but I apologized for raising my voice and asked how I could be better at understanding her.  She was open about what was frustrating her (I had forgotten a promise that we would talk about fun things to do on Monday because there is no school) and after talking for a few minutes I felt noticeably more relaxed and grateful we had a chance to understand each other.  She sat with me and I sang her favorite bedtime song and the rest of our evening routine went smoothly.

Just as I was leaving the room to get back to what I planned for the evening she asked if I would stay and lay down by her for awhile.  I was resistant because I knew if I did her youngest sister would get up and chances were good I would spend the next hour or more trying to get her to stay in bed and fall asleep.  I dodged the question by saying I needed to start the dishwasher first and "I'll think about it," which is often my way of saying no in a way that softens the blow for myself by not having to say it directly.

I started the dishwasher and then felt a little of the shame returning.  She had asked for something from me and although I would usually categorize it as a stalling tactic to keep from going to sleep right away I began to feel shame about it.  I realized that after being able to calm down and talk with her more calmly I might still in the end just be trying to control the situation well enough to get them all in bed so I could go back to my plans.  I decided to go back in and let her know in this small way that I would show up for her when she needs me to.

After laying next to her for a few minutes she asked me in a whisper if I knew how to get someone to stop being a bully.  She has said a few things in the past about having trouble with a couple of her classmates but over the next 30 minutes we had a conversation that was much more detailed in what was happening and how that was affecting her at school.  I was deeply grateful for that moment.  I was also surprised that I was able to respond in a way that was primarily supportive and understanding instead of just wanting to fix it for her and keep it from every happening again.  We discussed what to do next and I felt so proud of who she is and deep gratitude for my stewardship as her father.  I really hope I don't screw it up....

Mere minutes after that deeply connecting experience with her I was thinking about how close I came to missing that opportunity to be there for her and wondering how many previous chances I have missed over the years.  Instead of focusing on what had happened and the connection we made I was creating a story of all the things I have not done.  If I stay focused on that story instead of feeling like I am enough by showing up for her and loving her as best I can, then I am going to get stuck in shame that is focused on me instead of how I can connect with her and be what she needs me to be on her own journey.  I think if I keep showing up for her and focus on how I am taking opportunities to connect with her it is enough.  The shame of always focusing on what I lack or have not done won't help me be sensitive and present for those moments because I will be too distracted by the fear of failure.  Today I will recognize I am enough and stay focused on seizing opportunities to show up for others and authentically connect with them.  

As always I am grateful to you for reading, for sharing, and for supporting.