Shine on

I am turning to face the light in times of darkness

I woke up this morning at 4:11a.m. and it was not intentional. Pain was radiating from the center of my back up and down my spine. Pressure along the nerves in my spine created an intense pain that made it difficult for me to stand up, move, lay flat, stretch, no position alleviated the pain. I suffered in darkness until the pain medication I took kicked in and I could fall back to sleep. Fortunately I woke up with some residual soreness but minus the pain that had jolted me from my sleep.  

Pain and darkness is a place I have visited inside myself many times. It is a lonely place where the only company I have is fear, doubt, shame, worry, hopelessness, and despair. Sometimes I choose to visit, and at other times I am uncertain how I arrived. I think everyone experiences times of darkness and pain but choosing how to respond to those moments is critical. 

I have noticed that I have three common responses to finding myself in a dark place that can keep me stuck there:

1. Isolation- When I feel alone in the darkness I falsely believe that nobody can understand what I am going through. I might want to hide to keep other people from seeing me struggle. I fear that I will be perceived as weak or incapable. I feel like I might burden them with my problems so I keep them to myself.

2. Shoulding- When I focus on the shoulds and shouldn'ts of my situation instead of what I am actually experiencing I deny my emotions and shame myself. Those unfair judgements keep me stuck in the darkness because they tell me that I deserve to be there. 

3. Pitching a tent- When I experience pain and darkness it eventually becomes a choice whether or not I want to stay there. Sometimes I let anger, self-pity, or the need to control others feelings take over. I become a martyr to circumstance and set-up a permanent residence in the dark. I think that by pitching a fit and being miserable I will get what I want from others. It is a bit like holding my breathe to get what I want. If I stay too long I in the darkness I run the risk of forgetting what it is like to live in the light. I may become accustomed to the darkness and stop looking for a way out.

As painful and dark as those places may be I believe there is always a choice that brings hope, I can choose to turn away from the darkness towards the light. Darkness is only defined by the absence of light and there is no hole too deep or dark for light to penetrate it. Looking behind me I see my shadow, but it vanishes as soon as I turn towards the source of light. 

Light can come in the form of a hand reaching out in the darkness, compassion, tears of understanding, a Higher Power, truth, love. I believe that goodness and light exists in abundance all around us and within each of us. Today I choose to turn to the light when I find myself stuck in the darkness.

What keeps you stuck in dark places and how do you find your way back to the light?

HOPEEPOH

I see the world as a kind place

 The past week I have struggled with the idea of how to affirm hope.  I have wanted to write about it as a way to celebrate my daughter's birthday, but have experienced difficulty in how to express it adequately.  It became even more complicated after wrestling with a few of my own problems that stirred up some feelings of anger.  

I was not feeling particularly hopeful, and although that is the perfect time to affirm hope I could not find the words.  I started to look for quotes about hope that might help crystallize my thoughts and inspire me, instead it caused me further pause.

Hope, deceitful as it is, serves at least to lead us to the end of our lives by an agreeable route.  ~François Duc de La Rochefoucauld

Once you choose hope, anything's possible.  ~Christopher Reeve

Hope is the only universal liar who never loses his reputation for veracity.  ~Robert G. Ingersoll

Hope is that thing with feathers that perches in the soul and sings the tune without the words and never stops... at all.  ~Emily Dickinson

Things which you do not hope happen more frequently than things which you do hope.  ~Titus Maccius Plautus

Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come.  ~Anne Lamott

In reality, hope is the worst of all evils, because it prolongs man's torments.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

Hope is the feeling we have that the feeling we have is not permanent.  ~Mignon McLaughlin

 What I found was not exactly a clear picture of what hope is supposed to look like.  Is hope what comes before the miraculous, or is it just a way of covering my eyes to the cruel truth? I think the answer is yes.  To which questions this answer applies is a matter of how I choose to see the world.

If the world is a cruel dark place waiting to hurt me, hope is something that will only cause me pain as it sets me up for disappointment again and again.  If the world is a kind place I have no reason to think that what I hope for is not only possible, but that the universe will conspire to see it happen.  How I see the world is going to determine how I interact with it.  It will influence the way I interpret and respond to each experience I have.  The emotions my experiences trigger and the way I view myself and others will all be influenced by how I choose to see the world.  Today I choose to view the world as a kind place where hope can blossom.   

The road that is built in hope is more pleasant to the traveler than the road built in despair, even though they both lead to the same destination.  ~Marian Zimmer Bradley

Making of a Masterpiece

 Each day I am practicing hope and persistence

I love the parks in southern Utah.  The raw beauty of the landscape is inspiring to me.  I took this picture with some dear friends on their way from Montana to Texas several years ago.  

Delicate Arch and other wonders of beauty in the area were carved slowly by water and wind over eons. With enough time and pressure towering rock formations can be ground to dust.

The journey of authenticity designed to reach my full potential is lifelong, practiced a day at a time.  I am a work in progress and recognizing that helps me to choose hope and persistence when faced with the enormity of the task. Rather than feeling overwhelmed by the challenges or goals in my life, each day I will take the time given to keep chipping away at my problems and working toward my goals. With hope and persistence I create my masterpiece a day at a time.

The difficult we do immediately, the impossible takes a little longer -- Army Corps of Engineers Motto

Every morning a sunrise

I am shining light into the dark places 

  Image source: http://www.publicdomainpictures.net/pictures/30000/nahled/desert-sunrise-602.jpg

Even the promise of the rising sun drives away the darkness of night. When I look internally and see shadowy corners where doubt, fear, and shame hide I will illuminate them with the light of hope, love, and acceptance.

Practicing authenticity removes the dark masks of pretending, compassion overrules the judging of others, forgiveness drives away anger, and connection tears down the walls of isolation.  Darkness is merely the void left behind where I have let light fade.  I will allow the darkness to serve as a reminder to rise up and shine brightly.  

Thanks Chris

I see how my struggles can benefit others

Today I had the privilege to listen to Chris Herren as a guest speaker at Weber State University.  I had read a little about his story from an ESPN article not long ago and thought it would be a great opportunity for my speech class to listen to him.  It was even better than I had hoped for and I have been thinking about it all day. 

Chemical addiction robbed Chris of his professional basketball career and nearly cost him his family and his life.  You can hear more about his story through several articles written about him, his book Basketball Junkie: A Memoir, or the ESPN Emmy nominated film Unguarded.

After detailing the fourteen year nightmare of his addiction I was struck by some of Chris's statements regarding his recovery and why he now speaks so openly about those difficult experiences. He told a story about one of his first speaking engagements, which was in front of a crowded gymnasium of High School students.  He was incredibly nervous but prayed that he could have an impact and make a difference for just one person.  At the end of his speech he opened it up for questions and there was one girl sitting at the top of the bleachers all alone who had raised her hand.  She was quickly hushed by the crowd and she told Chris she no longer had a question.  Sometime later he received a message from that girl.  Every day she was ridiculed and bullied at school.  She had difficulties at home as well and each night she would shut herself in her room, pull out a razor blade and cut on her arms.  They were so scarred that she now had to resort to cutting on her legs instead.  She thanked him and said that because of his willingness and courage to tell his story she had gained the courage to tell hers.  She explained to him that after hearing his story she had walked into the cafeteria at lunch time and sat next to some of the other girls that teased her. When they asked her what she was doing she responded by lifting up her sleeves and showing them the scars on her arms.  She told them she cuts because of the cruel things they do to her everyday and that from that day on the teasing stopped.  She thanked him and told him it had been several months since she had last self mutilated.  He remembers that one girl every time he speaks.  

What is moving about the way he speaks is not just the stories, but how candid he is about those experiences. By being real and open his story validates struggle.  I struggle.  I think we all struggle.  I am not sure of anyone that is immune from struggle. Why is it that it seems so few of us are willing to talk about them?  I know for me some of those reasons are fearing that others will judge me, misunderstand me, or that they will reject me and pull away.  That fear and shame keeps me guarded and hidden.  But if I am not real about my weaknesses and struggles how can I possibly expect to have an impact on others?  How can I expect the kind of connection that comes from people who are willing to be fully transparent with each other? 

I am not inspired and moved by stories of ease and privilege.  It is the authentically courageous stories of struggle, pain, and doubt that draw me in.  Those stories give me hope, they validate my own experiences and encourage me to continue on the difficult path of trying to reach my full potential. 

Thank you Chris, and to each of you that are brave enough to be vulnerable, real, and open with me and others about your weaknesses and challenges.  I take hope and courage from your examples.  The courage to be who I am, and that through being open I can connect with and help others.
    

Dreaming

image source: http://wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/98kool.com/files/2011/01/mlk.gif

I find hope and redemption in my suffering

Driving in the car today I had an opportunity to listen to my all-time favorite speech, Martin Luther King Jr.'s "I have a dream." He delivered it on the steps of the Lincoln Memorial in 1963.  As I was listening I was moved by a few lines that felt particularly poignant to me that I had not paid attention to before.

"I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. Some of you have come from areas where your quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive." (italics added)

Although I am unable to understand what those experiences of injustice and racism were like during that time, I take inspiration for my own trials by how he viewed suffering and hope.  I have often thought that some of the circumstances of my life are unfair and it was if I was being battered by storms.

"Where is the justice?"
"Why me?" 

Some of my suffering comes at the hands of others who have hurt me.  It is also likely that I have caused others to suffer.  How do I respond to unearned suffering?  Do I see it as a doorway to bitterness, or a pathway to redemption?  Here is what Dr. King had to say:

"My personal trials have also taught me the value of unmerited suffering. As my sufferings mounted I soon realized that there were two ways that I could respond to my situation: either to react with bitterness or seek to transform the suffering into a creative force. I decided to follow the latter course. Recognizing the necessity for suffering I have tried to make of it virtue. If only to save myself from bitterness, I have attempted to see my personal ordeals as an opportunity to transform myself and heal the people involved in the tragic situation, which now obtains. I have lived these last few years with the conviction that unearned suffering is redemptive."

Martin Luther King Jr (1929 - 1968)

The creative force that he harnessed changed the course of history and affected millions of lives.  Although he suffered challenges and persecution he maintained hope.  Here is another excerpt from his speech: 

"...This is our hope. This is the faith that I go back to the South with. With this faith we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. [italics added] With this faith we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day."

What can I learn from the suffering in my life?  How can I find hope in even the most dire of circumstances?  Today I will see redemption in my suffering and hope in times of despair.