Podcasts

I am willingly stepping through the doorway of opportunity

I have a colleague and friend who, more than once, has offered me opportunities professionally to try something that stretches me beyond what I feel comfortable doing.  Most recently he suggested that we record a series of podcasts together about conflict. I was more than a little hesitant, but I also recognized the potential benefit to myself and others if I said yes. 

It took several months to explore the idea, record and edit the podcasts but somewhere along the way I realized how grateful I was to have said yes. I did not know it before I began, but it started to feel like I was doing something I had always wanted to do. I am hopeful that it is well received and creates the opportunity to do more but regardless of how it is received I realize how crucial it is for my own growth to continue saying yes when opportunities arise. 

Conflict Podcasts

Discussing Conflict on Access Utah

Stories and a discussion about finding the beauty in conflict

TEDx talk on conflict

Facing Darkness

I am choosing to embrace love

One of the troubles I face when writing an affirmation is the disconnect between what I currently feel and what I am trying to affirm. Right now I feel like I am staring into a deep chasm of darkness that I am not yet sure how to cross. It is filled with doubt, fear, and an aching sadness. I felt the same way 15 years ago when I watched the 2nd plane fly into the World Trade Center. I felt it with Columbine, Sandy Hook, Virginia Tech, Boston, Pulse... they all made me feel like I was being swallowed up by despair. None of them made any sense. I wanted all of them to just be a bad dream I could wake up from. I can't. It's the reality of the world I live in.

So what do I do when faced with hatred, violence, bigotry, greed, and all of the ugliest parts of humanity? Sometimes I just want to take vengeance. Make them hurt like I do. Sometimes I feel like just giving up - withdrawing and throwing up my hands in despair. But I have tried those things before - we all have - and it   just   doesn't   work.  

What I really want is change. I want to live in a world more loving, peaceful and benevolent. I want to learn how to forgive instead of taking vengeance. To reach out instead of withdrawing. I want to breach the dark chasm and be the change I want to see in the world. It is much more difficult to extend myself in love than it is to lash out in hate. It takes work and strength for me to forgive. When voices of arrogance and bigotry shout out and take center stage it takes courage to speak up with grace and humility.

I affirm that no matter how much of humanities darkness I face that I will choose to live my life from a place of love.

Windy Night

I am gaining strength by reaching out to others in times of need

Image Source: https://poietes.files.wordpress.com/2009/05/wild-and-windy-night.jpg

I live near the mouth of a canyon and it is not uncommon to have nights where the wind will blow hard for hours. Tonight is one of those nights and it has led to a couple of extra small bodies in my bed. My two youngest daughters woke up from the noise the wind caused outside and one by one they both ended up climbing in bed beside me to fall back to sleep. It is typically tough to get a good nights rest when they are crowding me off the bed but I do love that they still look to me for comfort when they need it. 

When did I stop doing that? One of my early childhood memories is a night when I woke up from a terrifyingly vivid dream fit for a horror movie. It involved our house being suspended on beams somewhere in the middle of the ocean. I was swimming with my cousin off a small dock that was connected to the side door entrance when I turned and saw that he was no longer there. I spun around in the water and saw the open jaws of a shark swimming straight towards me. I attempted to pull myself onto the dock to escape, but it was if I was moving in slow motion and I fell back into the water again and again. I woke up in a panic and went straight to the door of my parents' room in tears. 

Somewhere along the way I stopped reaching out to others when I was afraid or needed help. I became much more comfortable withdrawing and trying to deal with things on my own. Earlier this evening I ran into a parenting moment that left me feeling inept and angry at myself for making what seems like a frequently repetitive mistake. My first response was not to reach outward but to try and figure it out on my own. I can see that it is my own feelings of shame or pride that get in my way of looking for help outside myself. I don't have to figure it all out on my own and if I get stuck, sometimes the only way out is to ask for help.

This is my attempt tonight to step out of isolation and recognize the need to reach out for strength beyond my own. What are the things that block you from reaching out? Where could you most use a helping hand? 

Synecdoche

I see and accept my whole self

Today I spent some time thinking about how important the process of change is. I know that it drives what I choose to teach and the way I approach a classroom. I want to make talking about that process even more central to what I am already doing and as I wrote down some of my thoughts I felt the familiar wave of shame that comes over me whenever I compare what I teach to the struggle I still experience in trying to do it myself. 

Change is a process and a slow one at that. I find myself wishing that instead of the gradual growth I see in myself that it would happen all at once in spectacular fashion. It doesn't. Because I always see that long path in front of me I lose sight of what progress I have made and focus instead on my mistakes and shortcomings. It is a common problem for me to focus on just one part of myself and make it a representation of the whole - synecdoche.

I am more than my mistakes, age, weight, accomplishments, work, family role, favorite sports team, bank account, political affiliation, or the myriad of other small pieces that make me who I am. If I focus solely on one of them as a representation of who I am at any moment I have lost touch with who I am as a whole person. I get imbalanced. Today I will see my whole self and accept that I am all of it. A human-being in the messy process of change, full of paradox and possibility where no single part of me represents all of me. 

Abundance

My life is filled with abundance

I have lived most of my life under the fear and anxiety of scarcity. It seemed there was never enough. Not enough time to finish the endless to-do lists of life. Not enough money to meet my needs. Never enough sleep to feel rested. Life seemed to be a constant struggle to stretch my thin and meager resources, and I always came up short. It was like trying to sleep through a cold night with a tiny blanket. No matter how I positioned myself or stretched the corners, something always seems to be left out in the cold. 

As I have come to believe that the universe is a benevolent place, I can see the abundance life has to offer me. I am more capable of being present in the moment rather than having my mind spinning anxiously in the future of "what if..." Unlike many of the changes I have worked on in my journey, practicing abundance has not been as difficult to embrace. Once I began to shift my perspective by trusting that life is truly abundant and full of what I need, the universe immediately reinforced to me that truth. If I am open to see and receive it, life will provide what is needed for me to travel my path. 

"The most important decision we make is whether we believe we live in a friendly or hostile universe." -- Albert Einstein

I Wanna Bubba

I am open to life's lessons and opportunities for growth

My youngest daughter loves to drink bubbas (bottles), particularly juice bubbas. I think if she had her druthers she would prefer to drink all of her meals through a bottle. I thought that by trying to slowly ween her off of the bubbas she would eventually make the switch to a sippy cup or regular cup. I have had no such luck with that. It was magical thinking to believe that this was a change that would come easily. When she asks for one and I suggest she only needs a bubba for bed-times she insists firmly and persistently that a bubba is exactly what she needs and nothing else will do. 

"I wanna juice bubba dad. Daddy please give me a bubba. I wanna bubba! I WANNA BUBBAAA!!!"

This can also escalate to her delivering blows with her tiny fists or well placed kicks to my shins.  

After taking her out for a one on one daddy daughter date last week I let her know that she was growing up to be a big girl and it was time to say goodbye to the bubbas. She seemed to take it relatively well at the time. There was some sadness but she seemed at least moderately excited to tell her sisters and mom that she was a big girl and giving up the bubbas. That was relatively short lived. The intensity of her bubba rants has increased exponentially and it has been difficult for her to make the transition.

When I am faced with situations that force change I sometimes find myself throwing the same type of fit as my daughter does over her bubbas. Change often requires letting go but I am often resistant, even defiant at the idea. Life presents multiple opportunities for my personal growth and they often come whether I am prepared or not. How I view those opportunities and the level of willingness I have to make changes is a choice. Focusing on what I think I may have to lose rather than what I may gain does not leave me open to change. Prefering the comfort of what is known over the uncertainty of what is possible also stunts my growth. 

To reach my full potential I will open myself to change and the opportunities life presents for my personal growth and development.

Show and Tell

I can express my experiences and share my gifts with others

This morning I am acutely aware of how inadequate I feel. I had an experience a few days ago with my oldest daughter that I knew immediately I wanted to write an affirmation about. For 3 days I have avoided it. A few times I have gone as far as opening up a new post and starting to write, but I deleted each of them before getting beyond a sentence or two. I have thought about the experience every day. Instead of that reflection and thought helping me to feel more clear and concrete about what I wanted to say, it encased me in stone.  

Today as I was meditating and trying to figure out what was keeping me stuck I can see other places where this theme has played out in my life. What keeps me frozen are feelings of fear, doubt and inadequacy. They cause me to isolate and avoid taking action. 

Some of the fear is around how others will respond. What will they think? Will they laugh at me? What if they just think I'm stupid or silly? That type of fear causes me to withdraw and avoid vulnerability. If I can not be seen I can not be hurt. Whatever I have to express gets buried in the cave with me. 

If I work past that fear I am often met with doubt. The internal critic reminds me that I am terrible at expressing things. You can't write. You don't know what you are talking about. Look at you hiding in the cave, do you really think anyone cares what you have to say? When that doubting critical voice comes from inside me no amount of positive reinforcement or compliments from the outside make a difference. If I choose to believe the voices it shrouds my thoughts in doubt and leads me back to fear. 

If I battle beyond fear and doubt I still have to deal with inadequacy. It comes when I believe that I am incapable of expressing what I think and feel. Words are often not enough. When I am gifted an experience that is so exquisite and meaningful that it resonates to the very core of my being, how can I possibly think I have the capacity to express it? Instead of trying I take the gift and bury it in the ground where I may eventually forget where it is. Lights placed on a hill shine out as a beacon to others, but put under a bushel they remain hidden and eventually suffocate and burn out.

I can see that the past few days, and at many other moments of my life, I have remained stuck and hidden behind fear, doubt, and inadequacy. Today I will express myself. My story matters and sharing it with others allows them to witness my journey and find light to walk their own path. 

Happy Blogiversary

I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and change

This week last year I created Canffirmations. It was an important step in my journey of personal growth. My hope at the time was that making my affirmations public would help create accountability for myself in continuing to write them, give me an opportunity to practice vulnerability, and perhaps make a difference for others forging their own paths of change. 

I have enormous gratitude for each of you who have supported me in this process. Without the encouragement and feedback I have received the blog would not be what it is today. From amazing guest posts to privately sent messages I have been blessed by your willingness to share a part of your journey and to witness me traveling mine. It is so much nicer walking together! 

Growing Pains

I embrace the truth and pain necessary to grow

I am not sure what time it was last night when I awoke from a much needed deep sleep by the screams of my youngest daughter. It took some time to understand what she was saying but her pain was coming from her legs. She did not want any medicine but kept crying and saying how her legs hurt as she would grab at her knees. I think she was feeling intense growing pains. 

I stopped expanding laterally some time ago, but after last night I was able to recall some of the same pains I felt when I hit a growth spurt around the age of 15. I have learned that pain is a teacher, and I think that it is also a needed part of the growth process. 

I have heard it said that truth will set you free, and that the truth hurts. I think that when we encounter truth it is an opportunity for expansion and growth. The truth can at times be painful. I think of how when I am honest in the self reflection and examination of my life, that it reveals truths about myself that can be painful to face. There have been times I have compartmentalized my life so I did not have to look at some of those unbearable truths. As long as I keep them hidden they can not teach me and I am stunted in my growth. When I embrace truth internally and express it externally it is freeing. It does not come without pain, and that is when I have opportunity to grow. 

Herding Cats

I accept the circumstances of my life 

and focus on my process of growth

I wrote this week about going to dinner with my girls to memorialize the passing of Dessi-B. I did not write about how my youngest asked for chocolate milk and when her sisters got their lemonade she wanted lemonade, that one of them ordered spaghetti and more seemed to end up on me than in her mouth, that all 3 of them would talk at me simultaneously asking for something they needed immediately or the world could end, that the youngest screamed "I need to go potty" and then I spent the next 15 minutes running her back and forth to the bathroom multiple times because she claimed she needed to go potty again, or that they knocked roughly 49 forks and spoons onto the floor and needed to be told to stay in their seat approximately 872 times. 

Anyone with kids knows this can also play out in hauntingly similar ways when it is time to go to bed, to eat vegetables, or to clean up. I can feel the tension and frustration that I often get caught up in just thinking about it. I have often compared it to trying to herd cats. 

img source: http://dharmaconsulting.com/wp-content/uploads/herdingcats.jpg

Chaos comes in a variety of forms. The Holidays can feel frantic. I have a pile of grading to do before I can submit grades. Perhaps you can relate to feeling like life is a never-ending ebb and flow of uncontrollable circumstances. Where I find myself getting into difficulty is in my faulty thinking that somehow I can control those chaotic circumstances. 

I have a variety of faulty lines of thinking that come out when I futilely attempt to control the chaotic circumstances of life. Sometimes I try to be perfect and think that if I do everything just right nothing bad will happen. I might look for blame in myself or others. I imagine that if I can find who is at fault and why then I can pin the chaos on them. I sometimes withdraw and self-protect so that I will not have to feel vulnerable in anyway or let others near me. If I choose not to trust anyone they will not be able to hurt me. I close myself off from the world. None of those tactics or the others I have tried seem to work. I am beginning to understand I have very little control over the circumstances of my life. What I can choose is my reaction to those circumstances.

I am most at peace when I accept or let go of the things that I am unable to control. I most definitely know I can not control my girls :) When I let go of the need to control I can start focusing on changing the things I can control - myself. Today I will practice keeping my focus on my own process of growth and let go of my attempts to control circumstances.    

Desirae Blue

I can act as a witness and support for others in their time of need

Last night I said goodbye to "Dessi B."

Cracked frame

Candycane clutch lever!

RIP

After the accident my motorcycle was declared a total loss and non reparable. I went to the tow yard to turn over the key and retrieve a few pieces of personal property I still had on the bike before it goes to salvage. I had my 3 girls with me and as I walked away my 2nd daughter started to cry.

When I had first told her about the accident she wept uncontrollably for an hour. She said she did not want the bike to go to the trash yard and that she never got to say goodbye. She pleaded, "can't you just keep it here at the house and use it for other stuff so I can still see it." In the past she had occasionally referred to it as her bike, and several times we spent time together cleaning it.

Last night when she began crying again my first reaction was to console her and tell her it was okay, that I would have another bike, or that she should not be sad because the important thing was that I was not hurt in the accident. 

I am glad that I did not. 

In the few weeks since I first wrote about grief I have been fortunate to learn a few things. Everyone grieves differently, rushing through the stages of grief does not work, and grieving is an important process to experience. Instead of telling her everything was okay I told her it was okay to feel sad. I asked her about the sadness and we decided to all go out to eat as a memorial. We drew pictures of the bike with crayons and talked about our favorite memories. I gave her the blue reflector license plate bolt as a memento and we all helped pick a spot on the Christmas tree to hang the guardian bell I had been given that had been on the bike. 

It was hard for me to see her sadness but I am privileged that she shared it with me. I was grateful to have an opportunity to witness and support her grieving process and to sit with her in the pain she was feeling. I know the burden is lighter for me when supported by the hands of others and it is a gift when I have the opportunity to do the same for others. It is so much nicer walking this path together!

"Daddy my head hurts"

I attend to the needs of my whole self

My eldest daughter has recently been suffering from headaches. She has often come home from school complaining that her head hurts. I thought maybe she was not eating enough or drinking enough water. The complaints continued no matter what advice was given for her to try. A few days ago she spent most of the night awake with severe pain and every time I gave her medicine she would throw it back up.

It is a very frustrating and painful feeling for me when my children experience something hard that I feel helpless to fix. I had heard that using essential oils had helped some people with recurring headaches so the next morning I went to a neighbors house to borrow some. We talked for a bit and at one point she asked me if my daughter was a worrier. Suddenly everything started to click together.

I was looking at the situation as a very specific physical problem and had narrowed my frame of vision to only see certain things. I began to realize I was only tending to the symptoms of what was likely a much deeper need. I borrowed a blend of oil called "letting go" and went back home. She was propped up in bed on a mound of pillows looking perfectly miserable. She said the four words I had heard frequently, "Daddy my head hurts."

I sat down and started rubbing her feet using a little of the oil I had borrowed. I then started to talk to her about how she was feeling. I told her that I have had experiences where my emotions made it so my body felt bad because I was holding them in. I asked her about how she felt inside and what was going on in school lately. She started to talk and did not stop for 20 minutes. After about 5 minutes I could see something shift and when she had finished I asked her how her head was. She said she felt better and was ready to go do something fun. I let her know how proud I was of her for sharing how she was feeling inside and that I was happy that she could express it to me. We talked about some of the things I practice doing to express my emotions. She especially liked the idea of writing about them. Together we went to the store and bought her a journal and some stickers to decorate it. We talked about how she could use it to express what she was feeling and she asked me if drawing pictures was something she could do to express them. "What a fantastic idea!" I said. It was hard seeing her draw herself with tears of sadness but I was also overwhelmed with gratitude that I was able to be a witness and support for what she is going through.

My mind, body, and emotions are not separate systems. When I ignore any of them it is to my own detriment. If I ignore my emotions long enough by holding them in, denying, or numbing them; eventually they will find a way to force me to face them. I think of the many times I have gotten sick by not dealing with the stress in my life or the variety of nagging aches and pains that seemingly have no explanation. Today I will recognize my whole self and care for the variety of needs I have mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and in each of the other areas of my life.

Mission Statement

I am living my vision

I had the fortunate opportunity a few weeks ago to present at a leadership conference. I was excited about the theme of the conference which focused on the potential everyone has to be a leader. The only thing all leaders have in common is that they have followers. Leadership is not something that is possessed or appointed, it is what naturally happens when what you do and who you are is in alignment and inspires others. Although I had planned something else to present, I found the discussion moving towards what unique strengths each person has and asking questions about how they could utilize those strengths in pursuing their passions and helping others to find and develop their own. I began facilitating the process of having each of them develop a mission statement.

One of the first affirmations I ever wrote was about the importance of envisioning my future. Knowing what I want for myself gives purpose and meaning to what I do each day. It is impossible for me to achieve growth and reach my full potential if I do not know what that looks like. It has taken time for me to articulate that vision but I am beginning to see it take shape. I am certain that it will go through multiple iterations as I continue to grow and change, but I would like to share with you what it is today. 

My mission is to make this world a better, safer, and more loving place.

I will accomplish this by walking my own path of growth 

with courage and conviction.

I will create safe places for myself and others to learn and practice 

vulnerability, authenticity, and exploration.

With patience and compassion I will meet others where they are 

and invite them to courageously discover their own path.

I believe in possibilities, hope, and that the only failure is in giving up.

I acknowledge with gratitude all who have helped me along this journey and continue to lead and inspire me to pursue my passions and purpose in life. I invite you to envision what your mission statement is and to share them here if you choose.

Creating (Guest Post - Crystalee)

I am delighted to introduce Crystalee. She was one of the amazing graduate students I was honored to interact with for a conflict class this semester. She always brought a spirit of curiosity and positive energy to class. You can find more of Crystalee at http://delightedtowrite.com/

~*~*~

 I create my life experiences

Isn’t the power of words phenomenal? While I’ve been interested in the power of positive affirmations ever since I came across a Louise Hay book several years ago, 2013 has won me over completely. I’ve learned this year, through personal and professional experience, that the words I tell myself become my thoughts, and gradually form my beliefs. My beliefs dictate my experiences. Therefore, if I want to change my experiences, I must start with what I tell myself.

First, allow me a professional example. Earlier this year, I found myself feeling a “stuck” in my position at work.  I’d worked really hard and made some corporate-wide contributions in a global company. I hoped to have an opportunity to grow, stretch beyond my duties and attain a higher title. On my daily morning walks to work, I’d say aloud, “I am valued in my workplace, I am well-paid, and I am a manager.” At the time my title was still “Specialist,” but I wanted to really believe I could be recognized as a higher title. I would get discouraged at times, but kept saying my affirmations. Over and over, I pictured myself with a new job title and a raise. Within months, a new opportunity came along. I applied. I was selected, and promoted to a manager position. And you know what? The first time I was eligible to attend the corporate-wide manager meeting for 250+ people, I was asked to present my latest project to all the other managers!

During this same timeframe, I’d been quite heartbroken on the home front. I learned the precious fragility of life, having experienced an early miscarriage. I ached. I grieved. I wondered if it was my fault. Without being able to change the past, I decided to prepare for the next time I’d have the opportunity. I started telling myself, “My body, mind, and spirit are ready to welcome a child.” Whenever I felt very sad, I’d say my affirmation aloud, hoping it was really true. 

That was a couple seasons ago. As I write these words, I'm now 28 weeks pregnant. Every day now I say, "My baby grows healthy, happy, and strong to full term." And she does! What delight my husband and I had when we went to the doctor a few weeks ago and looking at the ultrasound he said, "She's looking healthy and happy," confirming my affirmation. I've completed a Hypnobirthing class, learning to release fear. Every night as I listen to a series of birthing affirmations, my confidence in myself, my body, and my baby grows. It's empowering to replace former fears of birth with joy and excitement - all by the power of affirmations. She will be welcomed into this world peacefully.

My daughter will have a whole world of potential open to her. You and I do too, and the affirmations can help us be the people we hope to be. Here's a quote on being the creator in your own life:

"You have two creators - God and yourself. God furnished you the raw material of your life and the laws which can help you make your life whatever you want it to be. You are your second creator! It is what you make of yourself that really counts. You are great because of what you may become. And, you have wonderful powers you don't yet understand. You were placed on this earth, not as finality but as possibility. Your greatest enemy is yourself. In your weakness you are a creature of circumstances; in your strength you are the creator of circumstances. Whether you are a victim or a victor depends largely on you and how you exercise the power of self-control." 

 - David Star Jordon (a former president of Stanford University), "The Kingship of Self Control"

Indeed, I'm the victor in my own life. I create my life experiences. And as my baby grows, I will teach her to do the same. 

 

Crystalee Beck celebrates words at delightedtowrite.com.

I'm okay

I am in process

I experienced my first official accident yesterday. I have had a few run-ins with animals in the past including a couple of dear running into my car, hitting a raccoon, and a very unfortunate incident with a chicken, but I had never collided with another vehicle. Yesterday I was riding up towards the mountain from campus when a car in the oncoming lane turned left in front of me. I always drive my motorcycle under the assumption that I am invisible and everyone is trying to hit me, but the timing of the turn left me no alternatives for escape. I struck the front fender of the car and flew off my bike. 

When I sat up from where I landed in the road I did a quick body scan to see if I was alright. I probably flew 10 or 20 feet and although I could tell I was experiencing an adrenaline dump unlike anything I had experienced before nothing seemed to be broken or bleeding. I think my leg caught the car or my handlebars as I flew off and there is a bruise on my thigh but I think I did a barrel roll across my shoulder as I landed and I am otherwise unscathed. I was wearing a helmet and full leathers but I could not see any scratches or damage to those either. After I got my bike off the road and sat down I then assessed the damage to the bike. I think that given the situation the damage to the bike was as minimal as possible, but it is highly likely that the bike is totaled. 

Unquestionably my good health is the most important outcome to what occurred. (I think I either have the reflexes and agility of a jungle cat as I flew through the air or perhaps a few attending angels helped me down gently) Along with that gratitude for being okay, I also have to recognize that I am already experiencing the mourning process with what happened. I have learned a variety of lessons through that bike over the past year, many of which I have written about here: moving forward, crisis, don't stop the journey, breakdown , breaktime, I like to go fast, fog lights, and heads up.  Those  lessons will stay with me, but I would be untrue to myself if I did not recognize how sad the potential loss makes me. 

Through all of the paperwork, police reports, tow trucks and discussions of what happened last night I have felt relatively calm and grateful to be physically whole. Emotionally it has been messy. I have felt some fear, frustration, gratitude, compassion, and I can also pick out some specific pieces of the grieving process such as moments of depression, anger, denial and bargaining. I can sense at times that I am at trying to rush myself towards acceptance. I want to see the lessons and opportunities that this experience is going to provide without having to go through all of the pain associated with it. It is not something I can rush, dodge, or ignore. 

I am in process. In my grieving, my growth, my pain, my successes and struggles. Surrendering to that process and accepting it is where I can find serenity and peace among all of the messiness. I am okay just where I am. 

Moving forward

I am growing and moving forward

The place where I work is nestled in the beautiful foothills just below a breathtaking stretch of the Rocky Mountains.

On the road I ride to school there is a stoplight on a steep incline. When I first started riding it made me a little nervous when I would run into a red light. To avoid rolling backward I would have to keep the brake on firmly. When the light turned green I would have to accelerate while simultaneously letting off the brake and slowly releasing the clutch. If I did not give it enough gas I would run the risk of stalling, too much and it posed a different set of problems. 

I have found that the process of change feels very much like trying to ride up that hill. If I stop, the natural tendency is to roll backwards and starting back up again can be a little tricky. I know some of the old patterns that are behind me in the rear-view mirror and I am not interested in rolling back to visit those places again. If I am not moving forward I am almost assuredly stuck or at risk of sliding backward. I choose to continue moving forward in my process of growth and change. I fuel that movement through self care, nurturing my authentic self, daily practices that foster my change processes and by looking towards where I want to be. 

Staying awake

I find meaning and gain wisdom 

from the difficult experiences of my life

I have heard a catchy song on the radio lately by Avicii called Wake me Up. The chorus is what sticks out to me the most, "wake me up when it's all over, when I'm wiser and I'm older. All this time I was finding myself and I didn't know I was lost."

How nice would that be? More than once during an uncomfortable experience in my life I have wished I could just check out emotionally. My instinct has been to dodge pain and impatiently wait for it to pass. I think, "just let me go to sleep and when I wake up hopefully this will all be behind me."

When I was in middle school I remember learning about osmosis. I would joke that I was going to sleep with my books under my pillow so I could just learn by osmosis as I slept. It is no more likely that I can avoid the difficult experiences of my life and expect to be wiser just because time has passed, than it is to expect myself to understand calculus if I put my head down on the textbook and fall asleep. 

Whatever wisdom I have is earned. The lessons that can come from difficult experiences are often hard to see in the moment, but if I am unwilling to let myself fully experience what is happening I am likely to miss them completely. Wisdom comes from the hard work of facing my challenges and learning from them. Pain and discomfort can teach me, but if I try to avoid them the lesson is lost. Today I will be fully present in all of my experiences so that I may glean meaning and wisdom from them. 

Taking down walls

I choose vulnerability and connection

The great paradox of all relationships is between the need for connection and the desire for self-protection. There have been moments when I have tried to have them both, but I have come to accept it is impossible. 

The walls I put up to keep myself safe from the harm others can cause, are the same that also keep me trapped and isolated.  That isolation turns to depression and loneliness. I might try to convince myself that if I trust no one I will never be hurt. No matter how much I may try to deny it, I am hard-wired for connection. Relationships bring purpose and meaning to my life and are important in my process of growth.

It takes vulnerability to connect. To let myself be known completely (even the shadowy and broken parts.) It causes me anxiety and fear. I fear that I will be rejected, that I am not good enough, and that I may not be worthy of being loved. Can I trust someone else to meet my needs? 

The paradox is inescapable, but I get to choose. I choose to face the fears with courage. I choose vulnerability in the hope of creating the healthy connections I need in my life.

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