First day of class

I help others find their paths 

by walking my own authentically

Summer semester starts tomorrow morning at 7:30 a.m.  I always have a rough time sleeping the night  before so I have some concern about how difficult it is going to be to get out of bed when the alarm sounds. Even after 12 years I still get some butterflies when I walk into the room on the first day. I have fewer nightmares that involve me showing up to class half way through the semester, being unprepared, or sans clothing, but the nerves are still there as an indication of how much I care about teaching. 

I do not profess to know the best way to teach but I have learned a few things about what does not produce desired effects. Demanding, manipulating, forcing, pretending as if I have their answers, or mandating behavior. I think the only way I can effectively teach is by creating a safe place where I invite others to exercise their choices, experiment with the discomfort of trying new things and making mistakes. I create that safety by showing up and letting myself be seen. I have to walk the path of my own personal truths and model the vulnerability, passion, curiosity, and honesty that I expect from them. 

Showing up with that level of authenticity is a difficult work in progress for me. It is much easier to hide behind a textbook, a degree, or someone else's words. It gets a little easier to be authentic when I remember that learning is not something that comes by memorizing facts and figures but that it is the process of being able to see more of our world. I can see that this can only happen if we are already aware of where we are starting from. We are all on different paths and in different places, but we have so much to learn from each other when we are open and authentic. 

I recognize and honor each of you today- parents, leaders, teachers, neighbors -walking your path with authenticity who are open to others and helping them to find how to walk in their own truths by courageously walking your own. 

I am an AND

I recognize the complexity of life and

embrace the choices it brings

There is a car commercial airing right now that talks about how and is much better than having to choose or, such has having to choose sweet or sour chicken. It is pretty amusing but I am not so sure I always feel comfortable with all of life's ands.  

Being sick reminds me of how nice it is to be healthy. My youngest daughter right now is reminding  me how delightful it is when she is quiet and asleep. I do not get to choose or in any of these situations, there is always an and. Life and death, sickness and health, joy and sorrow, good and bad, things are defined and understood through their opposition. My life is overflowing with and but when I treat things as or I run into problems. 

Paradox and contradiction is all around me, but I am sometimes reluctant to let myself experience life  that way. The most fascinating stories are not when the heroine is without fault, and the villain pure evil, but when the characters exhibit the true complexity of real people- beautiful and flawed all at once. That complexity however can be uncomfortable. It is much easier to paint life in broad strokes of black or white than to accurately see it in the and. 

My tendency to do this is most apparent when I am in a situation where I am experiencing something difficult with no clear answers. That internal dissonance can be uncomfortable and difficult to process. When I start to tell that story in my head or to others it takes on a revisionist history where all the uncomfortable ands turn into ors. I ignore the mix of emotions that I feel but that may contradict each other. I use the actions of others as a justification for assuming their intent. I leave no room for doubt, and ignore any information that may contradict the neat and tidy story I have created. In those types of stories there is no room for learning, growth, or change because the roles are already cast and the ending written. Good or bad, no room for and.

I am not good or bad, I am an and. If I allow myself to experience life in that way I can see that in all of my ands I have the choice of which I will feed and give energy to. That recognition and choice means I  have the capacity to change, grow, and reach my full potential. It is not easy or comfortable, but there is no other way. 

Do you think you can dance?

I am danceful

The past 24 hours have been fairly miserable for me. I am sick and last night I could not breathe from massive congestion and my sleep was fitful at best.  I feel awful. Today was picture day for my girls soccer teams so I had to drag myself around feeling like death warmed over and wondering when the day would end. I just want to hide somewhere quiet and sleep until I start to feel better. 

Despite feeling strongly about the ability of affirmations to enact change I was not so sure that was going to do the trick with how I was feeling so I was thinking about just calling it a day without posting. Just as I was about to crawl into bed I was reminded of an affirmation my daughter came up with last year. She had just taken an interest in affirmations and as I was driving her to school she asked me if I had done my affirmation for the day. I shared mine with her and asked what she wanted to affirm, she replied, "I am danceful." 

In the 2 years I have been creating affirmations I still have not written one I like better. Even though physically I have been struggling just to make it through the day and I was not about to start doing the cha-cha, I think that the expression of dance starts from a much deeper place. Even when I am curled up in a ball hacking and wheezing I can be danceful at heart. 

Breakdown

I am making the repairs needed to maintain the things I value

Things have been falling apart on me lately. In the last few days one of the main pipes for my secondary water sprung a leak, the back tire on my motorcycle wore down to the threads, the battery in my car died, and last night I got sick. Even if I am taking care of my body or doing regular maintenance on all the things I use it should be expected that things will wear down or break. 

The lesson I am trying to remember today is that things can be fixed. I am not going to give up on the lawn, sell my bike, ditch the car, or start planning my funeral. In some situations the repairs might be expensive- like the $230 it will take to replace, mount, and balance the rear tire on my bike. It might also take time to do the repairs- if my daughters are any indication, whatever disease they have passed along to me is likely to stick around for awhile, but with time I will heal. 

I used to be terrified of having conflict in my relationships, even differences in opinion seemed scary because I was afraid that it would damage the relationship. I was afraid that once things broke down the relationship would be doomed. Conflict is inevitable in any relationship and knowing that repairs can be made is the first step in engaging with the process of resolving them. Instead of avoiding them for fear of what might happen I can now recognize that even if time and effort will be needed things can often be repaired. Sometimes repairs come from listening, saying I am sorry, forgiving, or sharing my feelings authentically. With practice that process can even become a new skill- the first time I tried to fix the main line for the sprinkler water it took me multiple tries and many hours to finally fix it, this time around I was able to finish it in about 30mins on the first attempt. Even if it might require some outside help- I needed to borrow some tools to change out the battery today -I can ask for that assistance and repairs can be made. 

These experiences have reminded me that even when something eventually starts to wear down I can trust that things can be repaired, and that the process itself can be a strengthening and learning experience. The things I value most in life I have had to work hard to achieve and maintain. The more work I put into making repairs to relationships that I value the more I will treasure the closeness within them. 

Savasana

I find serenity in times of turmoil

It has become unofficial yoga week. Today I went into my session with the goal of focusing on my breathing throughout the practice. It is easy for me to lose focus when sweat is dripping from places I didn't even know had the capacity to perspire (knees?), the room feels like the temperature is just above hell and just below the sun, and as my body is stretching and pulling in ways that seem entirely unnatural my mind is screaming that this is all insane.  Those are the most important moments for me to relax and breathe.

Peace does not come from the absence of war. The ability to find stillness and calm comes from practicing it when everything around me is in disarray. I had several moments today when I lost my focus on breathing and surprisingly it was most difficult for me not when I was physically strained, but when I was trying to fully relax during savasana - corpse pose. In savasana what you do physically is lie on your back with heels together, feet fall apart, arms flat next to the body with palms open - you essentially lay down. Mentally it can be one of the most difficult poses. It can be just as difficult to find peace among the chaos of my own mind when I am perfectly still as it is to find it when I have things swirling all around me externally. 

Practicing staying in the moment, breathing, and letting go of expectations, fear, control, and shame helps me to be fully present. That is where I can find peace. The hurricanes of life will come and go. I can feel just as unsettled when things around me are calm, perhaps at those times I am frantic and just bracing myself for the next catastrophe to hit. Serenity does not require a certain set of circumstances to be achieved. When the chaos does come I can find the eye of the storm internally and be at peace. 

Trikonasana part 2

I am letting go of expectations

After focusing yesterday on fully committing I decided to go back to do another yoga session today. I felt more motivated and positive heading into the practice because I was committed to give my full effort. However, before the 90 minutes had even begun I started to think ahead. I worried about how my body would respond, if I would be able to hold the poses throughout, or if I would get dizzy again and have to take a break. After writing about fully committing and how much I dread triangle pose I had better do it this time!

Instead of being present in the moment I was building a mountain of expectations for me to climb. When I create a set of expectations I undermine my ability to be in the now and I set myself up for disappointment. Expectations create an arbitrary measuring stick that can determine wether I feel happy and successful, or disappointed and failure. This does not mean that I should give up trying to do my best, but rather that I surrender the need to control the outcomes. For example, if I set an expectation in my yoga practice that I should be able to go deeper into each pose than last time I might ignore where my body is and push it into strain or injury. Expectations ignore where I am at, and tell me only where I should be. Even when I have fully committed and given my very best, an unmet expectation tells me that I am not enough. 

When I am fully committed to a task and willing to give my full effort I can be okay with whatever the outcome is. Dropping expectations stops me from shoulding all over myself and others. It helps me to focus more on the process instead of the product.  Today I will let go of expectations and realize that my best effort is always enough. 

Trikonasana

I am fully committed

My post yesterday on regret has given me a lot to think about and work on. In particular I have lamented my lack of physical self-care for some time. In particular I have hoped to get back to doing yoga on a regular basis. I have a hereditary form of arthritis called ankylosing spondylitis and yoga has been the most effective exercise for me in maintaining flexibility. When I have practiced it regularly I have felt healthier than anytime since high-school.

The only yoga I have ever practiced however is Bikram Yoga, often referred to as hot yoga. It is a 90 minute routine with 28 poses and 2 breathing exercises. The temperature is held somewhere between 105-110 degrees with humidity at about 40%. A towel is used over the yoga mat because of the profuse amount of sweating that occurs. It is without question one of the most intense workouts I have ever tried.  I hate it and love it. The benefits are tremendous, but at times I have lacked the motivation necessary to walk into the room.

After a year away from practicing it I finally made my way back today. I always learn a lot about myself during those 90 minutes and the thing I was reminded of most today was the need to be fully committed. Multiple times I found myself feeling physically strained to my limits. I wanted to give up and sometimes I did. There are a handful of poses that I feel confident with, and some others that I dread each time. In particular trikonasana (triangle pose) is one of my least favorites.

bikramyoga.com

I convinced myself that it was going to be too painful to finish, that I could not do it. I did not fully commit to the pose and ended up sitting out most of the set. I tried a little, or as Bart Simpson would have said, "I can't promise I'll try, but I'll try to try." I held back and as soon as I felt the pain and resistance from my body I gave in.

When I make a determination to do something it is not important that I do it perfectly or even that I am able to complete it, it matters that I give a full commitment and hold nothing back. If I fully commit to a yoga pose I find that I am more capable than I imagined, I feel satisfied and at peace with myself both during and after, and I get the full benefit of having done it even if it was not anywhere near perfect. In Bikram they always refer to it as yoga practice. Perfection is not an option, there is always further to go. My practice will always look different depending on where my body is that day and how it responds. If I let go of my expectations of what the outcome is supposed to look like and simply commit to the process fully I will get exactly what I need from the experience.

There remain areas in my life that I have not fully committed to and given my full effort. The fear of making mistakes, not doing it right, failing, and the other things I imagine could go wrong are me getting in my own way. These keep me from realizing my full potential. If I am to walk my chosen path of personal growth I must do it authoritatively and wholeheartedly with nothing held back. When I approach the practice of yoga or life in that way I can realize that I am enough, and I can be at peace with whatever happens. My willingness and commitment is what matters most.