Herding Cats

I accept the circumstances of my life 

and focus on my process of growth

I wrote this week about going to dinner with my girls to memorialize the passing of Dessi-B. I did not write about how my youngest asked for chocolate milk and when her sisters got their lemonade she wanted lemonade, that one of them ordered spaghetti and more seemed to end up on me than in her mouth, that all 3 of them would talk at me simultaneously asking for something they needed immediately or the world could end, that the youngest screamed "I need to go potty" and then I spent the next 15 minutes running her back and forth to the bathroom multiple times because she claimed she needed to go potty again, or that they knocked roughly 49 forks and spoons onto the floor and needed to be told to stay in their seat approximately 872 times. 

Anyone with kids knows this can also play out in hauntingly similar ways when it is time to go to bed, to eat vegetables, or to clean up. I can feel the tension and frustration that I often get caught up in just thinking about it. I have often compared it to trying to herd cats. 

img source: http://dharmaconsulting.com/wp-content/uploads/herdingcats.jpg

Chaos comes in a variety of forms. The Holidays can feel frantic. I have a pile of grading to do before I can submit grades. Perhaps you can relate to feeling like life is a never-ending ebb and flow of uncontrollable circumstances. Where I find myself getting into difficulty is in my faulty thinking that somehow I can control those chaotic circumstances. 

I have a variety of faulty lines of thinking that come out when I futilely attempt to control the chaotic circumstances of life. Sometimes I try to be perfect and think that if I do everything just right nothing bad will happen. I might look for blame in myself or others. I imagine that if I can find who is at fault and why then I can pin the chaos on them. I sometimes withdraw and self-protect so that I will not have to feel vulnerable in anyway or let others near me. If I choose not to trust anyone they will not be able to hurt me. I close myself off from the world. None of those tactics or the others I have tried seem to work. I am beginning to understand I have very little control over the circumstances of my life. What I can choose is my reaction to those circumstances.

I am most at peace when I accept or let go of the things that I am unable to control. I most definitely know I can not control my girls :) When I let go of the need to control I can start focusing on changing the things I can control - myself. Today I will practice keeping my focus on my own process of growth and let go of my attempts to control circumstances.    

Desirae Blue

I can act as a witness and support for others in their time of need

Last night I said goodbye to "Dessi B."

Cracked frame

Candycane clutch lever!

RIP

After the accident my motorcycle was declared a total loss and non reparable. I went to the tow yard to turn over the key and retrieve a few pieces of personal property I still had on the bike before it goes to salvage. I had my 3 girls with me and as I walked away my 2nd daughter started to cry.

When I had first told her about the accident she wept uncontrollably for an hour. She said she did not want the bike to go to the trash yard and that she never got to say goodbye. She pleaded, "can't you just keep it here at the house and use it for other stuff so I can still see it." In the past she had occasionally referred to it as her bike, and several times we spent time together cleaning it.

Last night when she began crying again my first reaction was to console her and tell her it was okay, that I would have another bike, or that she should not be sad because the important thing was that I was not hurt in the accident. 

I am glad that I did not. 

In the few weeks since I first wrote about grief I have been fortunate to learn a few things. Everyone grieves differently, rushing through the stages of grief does not work, and grieving is an important process to experience. Instead of telling her everything was okay I told her it was okay to feel sad. I asked her about the sadness and we decided to all go out to eat as a memorial. We drew pictures of the bike with crayons and talked about our favorite memories. I gave her the blue reflector license plate bolt as a memento and we all helped pick a spot on the Christmas tree to hang the guardian bell I had been given that had been on the bike. 

It was hard for me to see her sadness but I am privileged that she shared it with me. I was grateful to have an opportunity to witness and support her grieving process and to sit with her in the pain she was feeling. I know the burden is lighter for me when supported by the hands of others and it is a gift when I have the opportunity to do the same for others. It is so much nicer walking this path together!

"Daddy my head hurts"

I attend to the needs of my whole self

My eldest daughter has recently been suffering from headaches. She has often come home from school complaining that her head hurts. I thought maybe she was not eating enough or drinking enough water. The complaints continued no matter what advice was given for her to try. A few days ago she spent most of the night awake with severe pain and every time I gave her medicine she would throw it back up.

It is a very frustrating and painful feeling for me when my children experience something hard that I feel helpless to fix. I had heard that using essential oils had helped some people with recurring headaches so the next morning I went to a neighbors house to borrow some. We talked for a bit and at one point she asked me if my daughter was a worrier. Suddenly everything started to click together.

I was looking at the situation as a very specific physical problem and had narrowed my frame of vision to only see certain things. I began to realize I was only tending to the symptoms of what was likely a much deeper need. I borrowed a blend of oil called "letting go" and went back home. She was propped up in bed on a mound of pillows looking perfectly miserable. She said the four words I had heard frequently, "Daddy my head hurts."

I sat down and started rubbing her feet using a little of the oil I had borrowed. I then started to talk to her about how she was feeling. I told her that I have had experiences where my emotions made it so my body felt bad because I was holding them in. I asked her about how she felt inside and what was going on in school lately. She started to talk and did not stop for 20 minutes. After about 5 minutes I could see something shift and when she had finished I asked her how her head was. She said she felt better and was ready to go do something fun. I let her know how proud I was of her for sharing how she was feeling inside and that I was happy that she could express it to me. We talked about some of the things I practice doing to express my emotions. She especially liked the idea of writing about them. Together we went to the store and bought her a journal and some stickers to decorate it. We talked about how she could use it to express what she was feeling and she asked me if drawing pictures was something she could do to express them. "What a fantastic idea!" I said. It was hard seeing her draw herself with tears of sadness but I was also overwhelmed with gratitude that I was able to be a witness and support for what she is going through.

My mind, body, and emotions are not separate systems. When I ignore any of them it is to my own detriment. If I ignore my emotions long enough by holding them in, denying, or numbing them; eventually they will find a way to force me to face them. I think of the many times I have gotten sick by not dealing with the stress in my life or the variety of nagging aches and pains that seemingly have no explanation. Today I will recognize my whole self and care for the variety of needs I have mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and in each of the other areas of my life.

Mission Statement

I am living my vision

I had the fortunate opportunity a few weeks ago to present at a leadership conference. I was excited about the theme of the conference which focused on the potential everyone has to be a leader. The only thing all leaders have in common is that they have followers. Leadership is not something that is possessed or appointed, it is what naturally happens when what you do and who you are is in alignment and inspires others. Although I had planned something else to present, I found the discussion moving towards what unique strengths each person has and asking questions about how they could utilize those strengths in pursuing their passions and helping others to find and develop their own. I began facilitating the process of having each of them develop a mission statement.

One of the first affirmations I ever wrote was about the importance of envisioning my future. Knowing what I want for myself gives purpose and meaning to what I do each day. It is impossible for me to achieve growth and reach my full potential if I do not know what that looks like. It has taken time for me to articulate that vision but I am beginning to see it take shape. I am certain that it will go through multiple iterations as I continue to grow and change, but I would like to share with you what it is today. 

My mission is to make this world a better, safer, and more loving place.

I will accomplish this by walking my own path of growth 

with courage and conviction.

I will create safe places for myself and others to learn and practice 

vulnerability, authenticity, and exploration.

With patience and compassion I will meet others where they are 

and invite them to courageously discover their own path.

I believe in possibilities, hope, and that the only failure is in giving up.

I acknowledge with gratitude all who have helped me along this journey and continue to lead and inspire me to pursue my passions and purpose in life. I invite you to envision what your mission statement is and to share them here if you choose.

Creating (Guest Post - Crystalee)

I am delighted to introduce Crystalee. She was one of the amazing graduate students I was honored to interact with for a conflict class this semester. She always brought a spirit of curiosity and positive energy to class. You can find more of Crystalee at http://delightedtowrite.com/

~*~*~

 I create my life experiences

Isn’t the power of words phenomenal? While I’ve been interested in the power of positive affirmations ever since I came across a Louise Hay book several years ago, 2013 has won me over completely. I’ve learned this year, through personal and professional experience, that the words I tell myself become my thoughts, and gradually form my beliefs. My beliefs dictate my experiences. Therefore, if I want to change my experiences, I must start with what I tell myself.

First, allow me a professional example. Earlier this year, I found myself feeling a “stuck” in my position at work.  I’d worked really hard and made some corporate-wide contributions in a global company. I hoped to have an opportunity to grow, stretch beyond my duties and attain a higher title. On my daily morning walks to work, I’d say aloud, “I am valued in my workplace, I am well-paid, and I am a manager.” At the time my title was still “Specialist,” but I wanted to really believe I could be recognized as a higher title. I would get discouraged at times, but kept saying my affirmations. Over and over, I pictured myself with a new job title and a raise. Within months, a new opportunity came along. I applied. I was selected, and promoted to a manager position. And you know what? The first time I was eligible to attend the corporate-wide manager meeting for 250+ people, I was asked to present my latest project to all the other managers!

During this same timeframe, I’d been quite heartbroken on the home front. I learned the precious fragility of life, having experienced an early miscarriage. I ached. I grieved. I wondered if it was my fault. Without being able to change the past, I decided to prepare for the next time I’d have the opportunity. I started telling myself, “My body, mind, and spirit are ready to welcome a child.” Whenever I felt very sad, I’d say my affirmation aloud, hoping it was really true. 

That was a couple seasons ago. As I write these words, I'm now 28 weeks pregnant. Every day now I say, "My baby grows healthy, happy, and strong to full term." And she does! What delight my husband and I had when we went to the doctor a few weeks ago and looking at the ultrasound he said, "She's looking healthy and happy," confirming my affirmation. I've completed a Hypnobirthing class, learning to release fear. Every night as I listen to a series of birthing affirmations, my confidence in myself, my body, and my baby grows. It's empowering to replace former fears of birth with joy and excitement - all by the power of affirmations. She will be welcomed into this world peacefully.

My daughter will have a whole world of potential open to her. You and I do too, and the affirmations can help us be the people we hope to be. Here's a quote on being the creator in your own life:

"You have two creators - God and yourself. God furnished you the raw material of your life and the laws which can help you make your life whatever you want it to be. You are your second creator! It is what you make of yourself that really counts. You are great because of what you may become. And, you have wonderful powers you don't yet understand. You were placed on this earth, not as finality but as possibility. Your greatest enemy is yourself. In your weakness you are a creature of circumstances; in your strength you are the creator of circumstances. Whether you are a victim or a victor depends largely on you and how you exercise the power of self-control." 

 - David Star Jordon (a former president of Stanford University), "The Kingship of Self Control"

Indeed, I'm the victor in my own life. I create my life experiences. And as my baby grows, I will teach her to do the same. 

 

Crystalee Beck celebrates words at delightedtowrite.com.

I'm okay

I am in process

I experienced my first official accident yesterday. I have had a few run-ins with animals in the past including a couple of dear running into my car, hitting a raccoon, and a very unfortunate incident with a chicken, but I had never collided with another vehicle. Yesterday I was riding up towards the mountain from campus when a car in the oncoming lane turned left in front of me. I always drive my motorcycle under the assumption that I am invisible and everyone is trying to hit me, but the timing of the turn left me no alternatives for escape. I struck the front fender of the car and flew off my bike. 

When I sat up from where I landed in the road I did a quick body scan to see if I was alright. I probably flew 10 or 20 feet and although I could tell I was experiencing an adrenaline dump unlike anything I had experienced before nothing seemed to be broken or bleeding. I think my leg caught the car or my handlebars as I flew off and there is a bruise on my thigh but I think I did a barrel roll across my shoulder as I landed and I am otherwise unscathed. I was wearing a helmet and full leathers but I could not see any scratches or damage to those either. After I got my bike off the road and sat down I then assessed the damage to the bike. I think that given the situation the damage to the bike was as minimal as possible, but it is highly likely that the bike is totaled. 

Unquestionably my good health is the most important outcome to what occurred. (I think I either have the reflexes and agility of a jungle cat as I flew through the air or perhaps a few attending angels helped me down gently) Along with that gratitude for being okay, I also have to recognize that I am already experiencing the mourning process with what happened. I have learned a variety of lessons through that bike over the past year, many of which I have written about here: moving forward, crisis, don't stop the journey, breakdown , breaktime, I like to go fast, fog lights, and heads up.  Those  lessons will stay with me, but I would be untrue to myself if I did not recognize how sad the potential loss makes me. 

Through all of the paperwork, police reports, tow trucks and discussions of what happened last night I have felt relatively calm and grateful to be physically whole. Emotionally it has been messy. I have felt some fear, frustration, gratitude, compassion, and I can also pick out some specific pieces of the grieving process such as moments of depression, anger, denial and bargaining. I can sense at times that I am at trying to rush myself towards acceptance. I want to see the lessons and opportunities that this experience is going to provide without having to go through all of the pain associated with it. It is not something I can rush, dodge, or ignore. 

I am in process. In my grieving, my growth, my pain, my successes and struggles. Surrendering to that process and accepting it is where I can find serenity and peace among all of the messiness. I am okay just where I am. 

Moving forward

I am growing and moving forward

The place where I work is nestled in the beautiful foothills just below a breathtaking stretch of the Rocky Mountains.

On the road I ride to school there is a stoplight on a steep incline. When I first started riding it made me a little nervous when I would run into a red light. To avoid rolling backward I would have to keep the brake on firmly. When the light turned green I would have to accelerate while simultaneously letting off the brake and slowly releasing the clutch. If I did not give it enough gas I would run the risk of stalling, too much and it posed a different set of problems. 

I have found that the process of change feels very much like trying to ride up that hill. If I stop, the natural tendency is to roll backwards and starting back up again can be a little tricky. I know some of the old patterns that are behind me in the rear-view mirror and I am not interested in rolling back to visit those places again. If I am not moving forward I am almost assuredly stuck or at risk of sliding backward. I choose to continue moving forward in my process of growth and change. I fuel that movement through self care, nurturing my authentic self, daily practices that foster my change processes and by looking towards where I want to be.