Show and Tell

I can express my experiences and share my gifts with others

This morning I am acutely aware of how inadequate I feel. I had an experience a few days ago with my oldest daughter that I knew immediately I wanted to write an affirmation about. For 3 days I have avoided it. A few times I have gone as far as opening up a new post and starting to write, but I deleted each of them before getting beyond a sentence or two. I have thought about the experience every day. Instead of that reflection and thought helping me to feel more clear and concrete about what I wanted to say, it encased me in stone.  

Today as I was meditating and trying to figure out what was keeping me stuck I can see other places where this theme has played out in my life. What keeps me frozen are feelings of fear, doubt and inadequacy. They cause me to isolate and avoid taking action. 

Some of the fear is around how others will respond. What will they think? Will they laugh at me? What if they just think I'm stupid or silly? That type of fear causes me to withdraw and avoid vulnerability. If I can not be seen I can not be hurt. Whatever I have to express gets buried in the cave with me. 

If I work past that fear I am often met with doubt. The internal critic reminds me that I am terrible at expressing things. You can't write. You don't know what you are talking about. Look at you hiding in the cave, do you really think anyone cares what you have to say? When that doubting critical voice comes from inside me no amount of positive reinforcement or compliments from the outside make a difference. If I choose to believe the voices it shrouds my thoughts in doubt and leads me back to fear. 

If I battle beyond fear and doubt I still have to deal with inadequacy. It comes when I believe that I am incapable of expressing what I think and feel. Words are often not enough. When I am gifted an experience that is so exquisite and meaningful that it resonates to the very core of my being, how can I possibly think I have the capacity to express it? Instead of trying I take the gift and bury it in the ground where I may eventually forget where it is. Lights placed on a hill shine out as a beacon to others, but put under a bushel they remain hidden and eventually suffocate and burn out.

I can see that the past few days, and at many other moments of my life, I have remained stuck and hidden behind fear, doubt, and inadequacy. Today I will express myself. My story matters and sharing it with others allows them to witness my journey and find light to walk their own path. 

Happy Blogiversary

I am grateful for the opportunity to grow and change

This week last year I created Canffirmations. It was an important step in my journey of personal growth. My hope at the time was that making my affirmations public would help create accountability for myself in continuing to write them, give me an opportunity to practice vulnerability, and perhaps make a difference for others forging their own paths of change. 

I have enormous gratitude for each of you who have supported me in this process. Without the encouragement and feedback I have received the blog would not be what it is today. From amazing guest posts to privately sent messages I have been blessed by your willingness to share a part of your journey and to witness me traveling mine. It is so much nicer walking together! 

Growing Pains

I embrace the truth and pain necessary to grow

I am not sure what time it was last night when I awoke from a much needed deep sleep by the screams of my youngest daughter. It took some time to understand what she was saying but her pain was coming from her legs. She did not want any medicine but kept crying and saying how her legs hurt as she would grab at her knees. I think she was feeling intense growing pains. 

I stopped expanding laterally some time ago, but after last night I was able to recall some of the same pains I felt when I hit a growth spurt around the age of 15. I have learned that pain is a teacher, and I think that it is also a needed part of the growth process. 

I have heard it said that truth will set you free, and that the truth hurts. I think that when we encounter truth it is an opportunity for expansion and growth. The truth can at times be painful. I think of how when I am honest in the self reflection and examination of my life, that it reveals truths about myself that can be painful to face. There have been times I have compartmentalized my life so I did not have to look at some of those unbearable truths. As long as I keep them hidden they can not teach me and I am stunted in my growth. When I embrace truth internally and express it externally it is freeing. It does not come without pain, and that is when I have opportunity to grow. 

Herding Cats

I accept the circumstances of my life 

and focus on my process of growth

I wrote this week about going to dinner with my girls to memorialize the passing of Dessi-B. I did not write about how my youngest asked for chocolate milk and when her sisters got their lemonade she wanted lemonade, that one of them ordered spaghetti and more seemed to end up on me than in her mouth, that all 3 of them would talk at me simultaneously asking for something they needed immediately or the world could end, that the youngest screamed "I need to go potty" and then I spent the next 15 minutes running her back and forth to the bathroom multiple times because she claimed she needed to go potty again, or that they knocked roughly 49 forks and spoons onto the floor and needed to be told to stay in their seat approximately 872 times. 

Anyone with kids knows this can also play out in hauntingly similar ways when it is time to go to bed, to eat vegetables, or to clean up. I can feel the tension and frustration that I often get caught up in just thinking about it. I have often compared it to trying to herd cats. 

img source: http://dharmaconsulting.com/wp-content/uploads/herdingcats.jpg

Chaos comes in a variety of forms. The Holidays can feel frantic. I have a pile of grading to do before I can submit grades. Perhaps you can relate to feeling like life is a never-ending ebb and flow of uncontrollable circumstances. Where I find myself getting into difficulty is in my faulty thinking that somehow I can control those chaotic circumstances. 

I have a variety of faulty lines of thinking that come out when I futilely attempt to control the chaotic circumstances of life. Sometimes I try to be perfect and think that if I do everything just right nothing bad will happen. I might look for blame in myself or others. I imagine that if I can find who is at fault and why then I can pin the chaos on them. I sometimes withdraw and self-protect so that I will not have to feel vulnerable in anyway or let others near me. If I choose not to trust anyone they will not be able to hurt me. I close myself off from the world. None of those tactics or the others I have tried seem to work. I am beginning to understand I have very little control over the circumstances of my life. What I can choose is my reaction to those circumstances.

I am most at peace when I accept or let go of the things that I am unable to control. I most definitely know I can not control my girls :) When I let go of the need to control I can start focusing on changing the things I can control - myself. Today I will practice keeping my focus on my own process of growth and let go of my attempts to control circumstances.    

Desirae Blue

I can act as a witness and support for others in their time of need

Last night I said goodbye to "Dessi B."

Cracked frame

Candycane clutch lever!

RIP

After the accident my motorcycle was declared a total loss and non reparable. I went to the tow yard to turn over the key and retrieve a few pieces of personal property I still had on the bike before it goes to salvage. I had my 3 girls with me and as I walked away my 2nd daughter started to cry.

When I had first told her about the accident she wept uncontrollably for an hour. She said she did not want the bike to go to the trash yard and that she never got to say goodbye. She pleaded, "can't you just keep it here at the house and use it for other stuff so I can still see it." In the past she had occasionally referred to it as her bike, and several times we spent time together cleaning it.

Last night when she began crying again my first reaction was to console her and tell her it was okay, that I would have another bike, or that she should not be sad because the important thing was that I was not hurt in the accident. 

I am glad that I did not. 

In the few weeks since I first wrote about grief I have been fortunate to learn a few things. Everyone grieves differently, rushing through the stages of grief does not work, and grieving is an important process to experience. Instead of telling her everything was okay I told her it was okay to feel sad. I asked her about the sadness and we decided to all go out to eat as a memorial. We drew pictures of the bike with crayons and talked about our favorite memories. I gave her the blue reflector license plate bolt as a memento and we all helped pick a spot on the Christmas tree to hang the guardian bell I had been given that had been on the bike. 

It was hard for me to see her sadness but I am privileged that she shared it with me. I was grateful to have an opportunity to witness and support her grieving process and to sit with her in the pain she was feeling. I know the burden is lighter for me when supported by the hands of others and it is a gift when I have the opportunity to do the same for others. It is so much nicer walking this path together!

"Daddy my head hurts"

I attend to the needs of my whole self

My eldest daughter has recently been suffering from headaches. She has often come home from school complaining that her head hurts. I thought maybe she was not eating enough or drinking enough water. The complaints continued no matter what advice was given for her to try. A few days ago she spent most of the night awake with severe pain and every time I gave her medicine she would throw it back up.

It is a very frustrating and painful feeling for me when my children experience something hard that I feel helpless to fix. I had heard that using essential oils had helped some people with recurring headaches so the next morning I went to a neighbors house to borrow some. We talked for a bit and at one point she asked me if my daughter was a worrier. Suddenly everything started to click together.

I was looking at the situation as a very specific physical problem and had narrowed my frame of vision to only see certain things. I began to realize I was only tending to the symptoms of what was likely a much deeper need. I borrowed a blend of oil called "letting go" and went back home. She was propped up in bed on a mound of pillows looking perfectly miserable. She said the four words I had heard frequently, "Daddy my head hurts."

I sat down and started rubbing her feet using a little of the oil I had borrowed. I then started to talk to her about how she was feeling. I told her that I have had experiences where my emotions made it so my body felt bad because I was holding them in. I asked her about how she felt inside and what was going on in school lately. She started to talk and did not stop for 20 minutes. After about 5 minutes I could see something shift and when she had finished I asked her how her head was. She said she felt better and was ready to go do something fun. I let her know how proud I was of her for sharing how she was feeling inside and that I was happy that she could express it to me. We talked about some of the things I practice doing to express my emotions. She especially liked the idea of writing about them. Together we went to the store and bought her a journal and some stickers to decorate it. We talked about how she could use it to express what she was feeling and she asked me if drawing pictures was something she could do to express them. "What a fantastic idea!" I said. It was hard seeing her draw herself with tears of sadness but I was also overwhelmed with gratitude that I was able to be a witness and support for what she is going through.

My mind, body, and emotions are not separate systems. When I ignore any of them it is to my own detriment. If I ignore my emotions long enough by holding them in, denying, or numbing them; eventually they will find a way to force me to face them. I think of the many times I have gotten sick by not dealing with the stress in my life or the variety of nagging aches and pains that seemingly have no explanation. Today I will recognize my whole self and care for the variety of needs I have mentally, spiritually, emotionally, physically, and in each of the other areas of my life.

Mission Statement

I am living my vision

I had the fortunate opportunity a few weeks ago to present at a leadership conference. I was excited about the theme of the conference which focused on the potential everyone has to be a leader. The only thing all leaders have in common is that they have followers. Leadership is not something that is possessed or appointed, it is what naturally happens when what you do and who you are is in alignment and inspires others. Although I had planned something else to present, I found the discussion moving towards what unique strengths each person has and asking questions about how they could utilize those strengths in pursuing their passions and helping others to find and develop their own. I began facilitating the process of having each of them develop a mission statement.

One of the first affirmations I ever wrote was about the importance of envisioning my future. Knowing what I want for myself gives purpose and meaning to what I do each day. It is impossible for me to achieve growth and reach my full potential if I do not know what that looks like. It has taken time for me to articulate that vision but I am beginning to see it take shape. I am certain that it will go through multiple iterations as I continue to grow and change, but I would like to share with you what it is today. 

My mission is to make this world a better, safer, and more loving place.

I will accomplish this by walking my own path of growth 

with courage and conviction.

I will create safe places for myself and others to learn and practice 

vulnerability, authenticity, and exploration.

With patience and compassion I will meet others where they are 

and invite them to courageously discover their own path.

I believe in possibilities, hope, and that the only failure is in giving up.

I acknowledge with gratitude all who have helped me along this journey and continue to lead and inspire me to pursue my passions and purpose in life. I invite you to envision what your mission statement is and to share them here if you choose.