9/11

 My emotions are valuable and I attend to them

Twelve years ago I had the opportunity to teach my first class. 13 students and I met 3 times per week in a small office building located off campus. The class started at 7am and I relied on an office administrative assistant to unlock the building each morning. Just a few weeks into class I arrived one morning to find the doors still locked. My anxiety began to rise as students showed up and I still had no classroom for us to meet in. 7 o'clock came and went with no sign of help. I had what I deemed important information to share and I couldn't bring myself to even consider cancelling class. The temperature was crisp and without anywhere to sit the parking lot seemed to be no place to hold a college class. 

One of the students mentioned they worked at a local grocery store so I made the executive decision to move class to the deli/bakery section of the grocery store roughly a mile up the street. Everyone piled into their vehicles and we reconvened in a small cluster of red and white plastic tables with swivel chairs attached to them. I was more than a little bit distracted by the smell of fresh donuts, the droning of Musak on the speakers overhead and the quizzical looks of grocery shopper passers-by. I dutifully trudged forward doing my best to facilitate an interesting discussion among the midst of constant distractions. I worried that what little credibility I might have with them was quickly diminishing. In addition to all of the constant distractions for the students I had the additional issue of having a wall mounted television on in the corner of the room facing me. A few minutes later I looked up to see a plane smash into the second tower of the World Trade Center. 

That moment is frozen in my mind along with a set of powerful emotions, some are personal to me and others are even shared collectively among many other people who experienced the tragedies and trauma of that day. Although I clearly remember that moment the rest of the details of that day are blurry.  As I tried to prepare for when class would meet again I knew that this was an experience that could not be ignored. Instead of what I had originally planned to cover on the syllabus we began class by talking about emotion and telling our stories of the impact of what was happening for each of them. It was a milestone in my development as a teacher but until today I had not thought about what that might also have taught me about the importance of attending to emotions.  

Emotions are a defining characteristic of the human experience. Even when they do not reach the level produced by trauma they are crucial to be recognized and addressed. Ignoring what I feel, or what I think and do based on those feelings is not an option for me if I want to live a healthy life. At times I have tried to bury many of the strong emotions I have felt and they inevitably rise up from the ground like the walking dead, or come out sideways in unexpected and uncontrollable ways. No matter what I have wrongly learned about what emotions I should or should not express, which are acceptable to feel, or what I should think about myself based on what emotions I experience, I can no more ignore them than I can pretend that I didn't see that plane full of people explode as it flew into that building 12 years ago. I am learning how I feel emotion, how to express it in healthy ways, and how it can help me grow if I listen carefully to what it has to teach me. As I learn and practice those skills I will remember that my emotions are valuable and that I am committed to attending to them.

FIREworks

I respect my boundaries and practice daily gratitude

For some obvious reasons when I think about July, fireworks is one of the first things that come to mind. I would guess that it is something that many people enjoy watching and being a part of. However, it would be safe to say that I have an above average affinity towards thunderous sounds and showers of colored sparks in all their variant forms.

When I was 12 years old I had a paper-route. Coming from a small community it was one of the very few opportunities a boy my age could use to make money. It was certainly not easy money however as the town I lived in had a population of about 800 people and my house was nearly 2 miles outside of the city limits. I would estimate that the ride was in the vicinity of 8 miles each day to finish my route. It was a lot of work for very little pay so what I spent my money on was always a good indicator of my priorities at the time. For some time prior to and during the fireworks season I saved and spent every last cent on fireworks.

Several days before the 4th of July I began to choreograph my fireworks extravaganza show. I wanted to start with some of the smaller fireworks that spin (ground flowers are a favorite). I spent the better part of one afternoon constructing a tall launching pad constructed from logs to showcase a spinning pinwheel firework I had purchased. I had smoke bombs, sparklers, some colored fountains interspersed with whistling fountains, and all of it was to lead up to a grand finale of multiple large fountains being lit off simultaneously as the 1812 overture played in the background. In my head it was going to be spectacular!

On the morning of the 4th I decided I needed just a few more things to complete the perfect show so I took my bicycle and road the 2 miles into town. The only business was a gas station/convenience store where you could buy penny candy, soda, or a year-old box of pop-tarts.

I carefully picked out a small assortment of fireworks and spent what little money I had left. I walked outside and rounded the corner of the building where I had parked my bike and for a moment I just breathed in the excitement and grandeur of the day. I was not allowed to lite off any fireworks prior to the Holiday, I knew what that meant but the thought occurred to me that technically it was the 4th of July and I didn't have to necessarily wait until that evening to start enjoying one of my favorite things. I decided that it would be a great idea to enjoy just one or two ground flowers. Even during the daylight I reasoned that the spinning and bright colors would certainly be at least in part as enjoyable as seeing them in the dark. Getting 60% of the maximum enjoyment in that moment still sounded pretty good to me.

I took a spinning ground flower out of my plastic bag full of joy, held it in one hand, lit it with the other, and tossed it onto the cement. It bounced a few times and then began to roll in a direction and at a speed that I had not intended. As it passed by the gas pumps it continued to bounce and then landed in the crack between the asphalt and the lid that is used to cover the underground gasoline tanks. 

I felt the type of sheer and complete panic that led me to freeze and behave in less than logical ways. When it ignited instead of spinning away it stayed firmly lodged where it had landed. I ran to where the firework was and to my dismay saw small flames flickering out from beneath the edges of the metal lid.  I could not even imagine the trouble I was going to be in if I was found out. My fear motivated me to act in self-preservation instead of taking into account the imminent danger of the situation. As calmly as I could I walked back into the store and politely asked for a glass of water. I rushed back outside and tossed it on the flames. As you might expect it did nothing to improve the situation. As I returned for another cup someone rushed out of the gas station with a fire extinguisher and doused the flames. I jumped on my bike and road towards home as if the cops were chasing me, and I was almost certain that if they weren't already, they would be in a matter of moments. As the adrenaline slowly worked its' way through my tiny limbs that were gripping my handlebars tightly and pumping vigorously on plastic pedals my mind raced through the events. Suddenly I realized that in my panic I had left behind my small plastic bag with the remaining fireworks. I spun my bike around and returned to the scene of the crime. 

They were gone. Crap. Would they know it was me? What about all the lost fun? Those are my fireworks, how dare they take them! Instead of cutting my losses and feeling gratitude for what I had just escaped I rationalized that I was the victim here having had my hard earned money taken from me. I brazenly walked back into the store and casually asked if anyone had turned in a bag of fireworks that I had accidentally dropped. I was taken aback when the clerk yelled at me that the owner had them and wasn't going to give them back until I went and talked to him. I was told he was at the softball game and I better go up there right away. 

I left quickly and pondered if I should go talk to him. I was pretty sure they knew I was the culprit and that I was in trouble, but how could they take my fireworks? It certainly didn't seem fair to me. I pedaled slowly to the park with emotions swinging from fear to indignation. I stopped and sat on my bike in the trees just beyond the outfield and fumed. I sulked and shed some tears and eventually turned around and slowly pedaled home.

I would keep that secret until I was 28. The experience at that age was scary, shameful, and embarrassing. Reflecting on it now I can see several lessons that I failed to learn at that young age. The two that stick out to me today is how ignoring the boundaries in place for my safety put me in harms way, and that a lack of feeling gratitude led me to behave with entitlement.

Certainly at the age of 12 I often saw boundaries or rules as constricting and oppressive. It seemed they were there to suck all of the fun out of life. I think I sometimes hold on to that view even now. A good boundary however is not designed to trap me but to keep me safe from harm, and free from some of the potentially painful consequences of acting without restriction. It creates the borders wherein I can freely experience and make mistakes. Now that I am in a position to establish some of my own boundaries it is helpful for me to see that they are necessary and useful. Too many and it is suffocating and perhaps a futile attempt to control all of life's outcomes, but without any I can feel chaotic and unbalanced. Setting clear boundaries in my life with relationships, self-care, work, and how I spend my time are just as important as the boundaries I set for my children about not playing in the road or eating foods other than jellybeans and licorice. 

When I did break those rules of where and when I should be playing with fireworks I found myself in very real danger. At the time I did not realize how severe that danger was, but by some intervention of providence, grace or dumb luck I was able to avoid disaster. Instead of recognizing that or the many things in my life I have reason to be grateful for my mind turned immediately to the losses. Gratitude seems to cultivate joy and increases my ability to be fully present in the moment. Focusing on my losses develops feelings of entitlement and bitterness. Believing that the world owes me whatever I may desire at any given moment will inevitably leave me disappointed and angry. Over time the bitterness that can take root from that will choke out joy and leave me focused in the past or hopeless about the future.

Today I will practice gratitude and see how healthy boundaries in my life create safety and facilitate my development along my chosen path. What does gratitude cultivate for you? What impact do boundaries have on your life?   

Freedom

I am free

I am free
Free to be me
Free to seek happiness
Free to change how I see
Free to choose a path
Free to live wholeheartedly unfettered by the past
Free to reject fear and shame
Free to fight bravely through struggles and pain
Free to let my soul fly to heights yet unknown
Free no matter how far I've wandered, to steer a path back home

Happy Independence day, live life free

Internal Sunscreen

I practice daily the things that keep me focused on my path

This week I took my girls to the outdoor swimming complex. I packed snacks, water, toys, and everything I imagined that we would need for the day. Before we left I put sunscreen on the 2 youngest girls and let the oldest handle it on her own. When we arrived I found a shady spot to act as a home base and left our cooler, towels and bags and then we all hopped in the pool. Every few hours the pool has a policy where they require everyone to get out of the pool. They offer the sage advice of reapplying sunscreen, changing swim diapers, and going to the bathroom during the down time as they do safety checks.

After 6 hours at the pool it was finally time to leave and even though we had reapplied sunscreen twice more during the day all but my youngest left with a burn. I spent most of last night awake amidst complaints of "it hurts." We have had to spend the last 2 days indoors to avoid any extra exposure to the sun and using copious amounts of Aloe Vera to soothe our tender backs and shoulders.

Just as I can easily burn from lack of protection in the sun, I can just as easily get burnt when I do not take adequate steps to protect myself from the things that have the potential to hurt me in other ways. Shame, doubt, fear, and complacency are just a few of the things that frequently burn me. I have realized that it is not enough for me to do this haphazardly, but that it needs to be a conscious daily effort. Here are a few of the things I find are invaluable to me as daily practices.

Gratitude - I find it easy to get wrapped up and lost in many of the small inconveniences of my day. When I choose to act in an attitude of gratitude I find my perspective changes. 

Spiritual Connection - This can look a variety of ways for me: meditation, prayer, solitude, a hike, a question to ponder, reading, or searching for meaning in my experiences. My key is finding a connection to something bigger than myself.

Reflection - Taking time to think about or remind myself of what I want, who I am, and what matters to me keeps me focused on the path I want to travel. This has been most useful to me when I have done it in writing, but even taking a few moments to think twice about something is sometimes enough. 

Presence - Living in the past or future leaves me wide open to all of the anxieties and worry that comes with things that I can not control. Breathing, centering myself, and practicing being fully present in the moment keeps me focused on the only thing I have an influence on, the now. 

This list works for me and is certainly not exhaustive, but it is what I need to practice daily in order to stay focused on the path I have chosen for myself. 

What keeps you protected and focused each day?

Own Your Awesomeness!

Yesterday I got an email from a good friend offering support and encouragement when she saw that I was writing again. She also said that she hoped that during the time off I had taken she hoped I had spent some time focusing on things that I do well.... I do not always like when it happens, but I always know when something occurs that I am going to need to write about it. If I try and ignore those moments they dog me until I follow though. I have thought about it most of the day and even though it has made me horribly uncomfortable I am going to do my best to meet the challenge. 

As I have been considering the idea of writing about and affirming my strengths it is somewhat distressing to me that it was at least as difficult, if not more so, than in being transparent about the areas where I struggle. It makes sense that if I am trying to write regular affirmations for my growth process that I would take time to also affirm my strengths, but I think several things make me resistant to the idea. 

The first wall that I encountered was the feeling that talking about my strengths would come across as boastful or bragging. Although I have no trouble pointing out to other people their strengths, if I acknowledge my talents it makes me think that I might be judged by others as prideful or arrogant. The gremlins whisper, "who do you think you are?" Perhaps the key for me to counter this particular impediment is to remember that when I identify my strengths I do not do it to compare myself to others, but rather I am making a fair assessment of what talents I have to manage the circumstances and challenges I will encounter along my path. I believe that being aware of both my strengths and weaknesses makes me better prepared to deal with whatever I may face. 

My second obstacle was identifying what my strengths actually are. I realized that I place far more emphasis and thought on my areas of weakness. It is easy for me to point out my flaws and shortcomings, but I could only come up with a couple of things that I could identify as talents. I recognize that I am not living in balance and judging myself fairly if I can quickly write volumes about what my faults are, but it takes me most of the day to come up with a few strengths. It felt embarrassing when I had to ask a few of my siblings to help me identify what they are. 

Looking at why this proved to be a struggle for me has highlighted the importance of pushing through and doing this anyway. If I want to make positive growth and changes that will help me reach my full potential, it necessitates my ability to recognize and use what talents I have to help me towards that goal. I think that it also allows me to see how I can be of service to others. I have benefited and relied upon the strengths of others in times of need and if I am clear about what my strengths are I can likewise reach out and be there for those in need of what I can offer. The following affirmations are my attempt to practice this. I would encourage you to consider your own talents. What are your personal strengths and talents? How might you affirm them and then make use of them for the benefit of yourself and others?

My teaching process provides safety for others to learn and instills confidence in their ability to succeed

I love to teach! Whether it is in the classroom, on a rock face, ski hill, or having a conversation with my girls I love the teaching and learning process. My sister pointed out that what she appreciates most from me is that she always feels more confident and capable of succeeding. That confidence helps her feel safe enough to make mistakes and try things that make her uncomfortable. This affirmation reminds me of the passion and love I have for what I do, and shows me how I can also use that to make improvements in the way I teach. 

I listen with empathy and seek to understand others

Although interacting with others sometimes brings me anxiety it seems that it is fairly comfortable for others to connect with me. I think that my greatest strength as a friend is that I am willing to listen and that my intentions are to understand and support them in whatever they are experiencing. This affirmation reminds me of several areas where I can improve, but that my willingness to listen has been  vital for me in building and maintaining the important relationships in my life. 

I am a loving father

Although I know I frequently fall short in this area I can also affirm that I continue to show up as a father. I love my girls and I believe they can feel that from me everyday. I want to be better, but I know that what I am giving is also enough. I will never give up trying to love and teach them as best I can, even when my impatience, mishandled emotions, lack of sensitivity, or selfishness frequently tries to get in the way. 

I have been able to identify a few other strengths but I think for the purposes of this post, and the increasing level of my discomfort this should suffice! Own your awesomeness!

Burning Phoenix

Hi, after nearly a month of silence from me a greeting seems in order. Fortunately the silence has not extended both directions and I have had several friends and family members recognize my absence and reach out. A few days ago I had a former student approach me who had noticed there had been a significant draught since my last post and he wondered how I was doing. Initially I was embarrassed to have him ask me that question at all. Although I recognize in theory that everyone struggles, it can be tough to have my difficulties reflected back to me even through the concern of others.

My tendency in times of struggle is to isolate until I get things figured out. Even as we talked I felt the urge to hide behind "everything is fine." I think he could see beyond that facade and I am grateful that he did not let me off the hook so easily. As our conversation continued several things he said resonated with me and gave me pause. In particular I have been thinking a lot about the mythical story of the phoenix. 

In Greek Mythology the Phoenix was a magnificent bird that lived for hundreds of years. At the end of it's long life cycle it would build a nest of twigs which would ignite and consume both the nest and bird in flames. From the ashes left behind a new phoenix would arise and begin the cycle anew. 

The process of growth and change is a difficult and often painful one. Although it may not always happen at the speed of a blazing fire, I think it does require a type of death to the old self in order to change and begin anew. Although I certainly do not have this process figured out, I think that permanent change requires more than shuffling the deck and trying to modify a few behaviors. It requires wholesale changes that fundamentally alters me in a way that is akin to dieing and rising again from the ashes. Since that conversation I have identified a few things that I would like to set fire to in order to begin a new phase in my journeys. 

The first twig I am placing on the funeral pier is the illusion of needing to be perfect. Irrational ideals of how I want my relationships to be like, what kind of writing I do here, or the type of father I should be are just a few examples of the way I am constantly creating unrealistic expectations for myself. They leave me feeling like what I do is never enough. Perfectionism does not motivate me to be my best, instead it usually paralyzes me with such doubt and shame that I would rather not try at all rather than fail to reach those lofty ideals. As I set that part of me ablaze, what I want to rise from the ashes is the affirmation that I am enough.

The next twig that needs to be added is a tendency to believe that if I break something it can't be fixed. I spent much of my life avoiding even the appearance of conflict in my relationships because I believed that once I made a mistake, or they saw me for what I really am, nothing could ever be the same. Conflict always seemed like that beginning of the end so I thought if I could avoid it and pretend it wasn't there things might be okay. I am beginning to accept that everything and everyone breaks at some point. What those broken places look like and how we respond is different, but if I try to avoid the inevitable when the day comes to face the brokenness I will be unprepared to change. As I leave that old belief behind I can affirm that from the broken places I can grow strong.

There are several other things I want to torch and leave behind me but the last thing I want to write about today is the idea that my past actions determine who I am. One of the least effective things I can do when I am trying to make changes is to live in the past. As I have been walking this path of growth and change a common thing that has gotten me stuck is to spend my energy living in the past or obsessing over the future. Typically when I look back it is not as a healthy moment of reflection to gain perspective and focus, usually I look back and relive it. I bring back the pain, the negative emotions, the disappointment. I think about what might have been different if only I had... I start to go beyond thinking that my past impacts the present, but I stretch it into a fear that it also determines my future. This leaves me in a pendulum of emotion swinging between depression over the past and anxiety about the future. I am beginning to recognize how living anywhere but in the present moment is futile. The only place I can find myself is right now. I have no control over anything other than this very moment. I will live authentically through being fully present in the moment. 

I am hopeful that I can approach my life as something that is full of opportunities for change. I believe it is possible to begin anew if I am willing to set fire to old ways of thinking and being. It is a cycle of death and rebirth that I hope I can experience multiple times on my journey.

The Burrito Break-Up (Guest Post - Joy)

I am honored to welcome another of my wonderful siblings as a guest blogger. Joy is my youngest sister and most frequent hiking companion. I am grateful for her support and love her dearly. I always know that if I go even a few days without posting I will hear from her to see how I'm doing.

~*~*~ 

I am silencing the negative critic within

I struggle with feelings of low self worth. I tend to work myself up when it comes to dealing with how I feel others see me. In my mind I see the pieces of my personality that are unfavorable or physical features that are not as attractive, and I focus my energy on the bad and convince myself that others see all my perceived flaws as well. 

Any of you that know me well, know my relationship with my boyfriend has been back and forth enough to cause whiplash. Our first break-up was over a burrito. That day I had been helping a friend move, which was disorganized and exhausting. I was far beyond the point of hungry, and I decided to stop for food. I invited my boyfriend to meet us for lunch. I picked up some tacos for my friend, a burrito for my boyfriend, and a vegetarian option for myself. The poor excuse for a burrito I received was disappointing to say the least. Cheese inside a tortilla, does not a burrito make! It was disgusting, but I was so hungry that I decided to use the only form of flavoring available to me (lime slices) and eat it anyway. I proceeded to drown my sorry burrito with lime juice. My boyfriend looks up from his hearty carne asada burrito and gave me this look. I was so frustrated and tired that I interpreted his look as utter disgust with me. I jumped up, freaked out, told him it was over and walked away. In my mind I convinced myself that he didn't like me, found me unattractive and gross etc....all because of the way he looked at me. 

Even when I'm struggling with feelings of low self-esteem and worthlessness it is not the way that others actually view me. I am my worst critic and will miss out on relationships and opportunities if I continue to push others away. I am good enough. 

Joy C.

June 10, 2013