Healing resentment

I am letting go of resentment and embracing compassion

I have noticed that as I focus on the process of walking my path I frequently experience more vivid dreams.  I had another dream last night and I woke up feeling a swirling mix of negative feelings.  Emotionally I was exhausted and dreading what the rest of the day would hold.  I did not feel like anything good could happen today based on how I was feeling after that dream. As it is with most of my dreams there was a lot of disjointed things happening that are hard to explain or make sense of but what is always very clear are the emotions I am experiencing during it.  Even when I wake up knowing it was a dream the feelings stay with me.

I have learned that when I feel such powerful emotions it is a mistake for me to ignore or repress them.  I decided to look for help in dealing with them.  Instead of keeping them hidden I shared them with someone else and with my my Higher Power.  I certainly wanted to be rid of what I was feeling, but I knew that I would have to understand them and experience it before that could happen.

One of the strongest feelings I was experiencing was anger and resentment towards someone who had hurt me and that I had also hurt in return.  Even though I think neither of us purposefully intended the pain caused, we had both been selfish in our treatment of the other. I think it is sometimes hardest to recognize hurt we cause others when it isn't overt or malicious in intent.

As I willingly and openly shared my emotions with someone else and my Higher Power I recognized a shift in how I was feeling.  I was suddenly able to recognize that the hurt done to me was coming from a place of pain in the other person.  My resentment began to transform into compassion and I felt the swirl of discomfort and pain inside me begin to dissipate.  Although that compassion does not heal the relationship or the dysfunction; by letting myself openly share it, experience it, and letting go of it let me begin to heal my own pain.

That compassion has since expanded and helped me see how much each of us suffer from the wounds inflicted upon us by others.  Left untreated those wounds often spread to others close to us.  Today I want to let go of resentment so that instead of spreading my own pain to others I can heal myself and others through compassion. 

Locking myself out of forgiveness.

I am practicing compassionate forgiveness

Not long ago I locked myself out of my office....again. Each time I feel more ridiculous than the last.  I've had to ask the administrative assistant for her keys so I can get back in at least 5 times.  Occasionally when I approach her now with a question before I can say anything she will ask me if I need her keys again. "When will I learn," and "I'm so stupid," are the thoughts that go through my head.

One instance happened about a month ago at 11pm in the evening. I was trying to get caught up and had just finished making some copies when I shut the supply room door at the same moment I realized my keys were sitting on the counter. I felt like an idiot. I didn't want to call anybody and inconvenience them who had keys and I also didn't want to admit to locking myself out.  My wife had just gone to sleep after staying up for 36 hours from a night shift and I couldn't bring myself to call anyone for help to come pick me up. Instead of humbly asking someone for assistance I started the 7 miles it was going to take for me to walk home.  I spent the first 3 miles berating myself until I finally broke down and called my sister for a ride.

We all make mistakes. I am learning that there is no value in harshly judging myself or others. Judging keeps me stuck and walking alone in the dark. I need forgiveness for the mistakes I've made and the ones I have yet to make.  Today I am practicing compassion for myself and others by forgiving.